I've heard the your thirties are the best years of your life. You're established in your career, strong friendships, and you have money to travel and/or provide stability for your family. Not for me.
My thirties have been a whirlwind, especially this past year. I like to call this chapter of my life...Growing Pains. Prior to April 2017, I was making the most money I have ever made. I was VERY comfortable. Things were going almost exactly how I thought they should be going at this point in my life. I bought I home that I love, upgraded my Camry (lol), and was able to travel wherever I pleased without ever having to check my bank account. I even had a lil tenderoni to serve his purpose. But I got comfortable. Too comfortable. I thought the good feelings would last forever. I admit that I like things done my way and I have a huge problem with authority. These are all things that I am very much aware of, and things that I have sought out counseling for, I am not embarrassed to say so. So to no surprise, the job (and the tenderoni) went way. I won't elaborate on the details, but since that time I have done some self reflecting. Why am I this way? Why can't I stop this self destructive behavior? These are problems that I must find solutions to in order to stop this vicious cycle. I have always been very self aware and I try my best to be honest about my feelings so it's easy for me to admit my flaws. That may be one of my strengths in friendships. I can offer advice from a very honest perspective using my mistakes or lessons I've learned. It's also the reason why I have now realized that I need professional help to resolve them as well.
I bet you're wondering why I feel comfortable enough to admit that? The answer is simple. There are people who look at my life and think that I have it all together. They may look at my social media posts and envy my social life, my home, the trips I take, and think they are inadequate or missing something. Listen, we ALL have problems. I just want to be one of the few to admit that things aren't always what they seem. I do love my life and the lifestyle that I have created for myself, but the road to get here was not a straight path, and as I just admitted, its still a bit rocky. I just make the best of it by being honest with myself and taking the needed steps to be a better person. God told me a long time ago, I remember the day He spoke to me, that I was put on this earth to be a giver. I didn't like it and for the longest time I fought it by being selfish with my time, energy, and money. But as I matured, I realized that until I accepted it, I would not prosper. This post is apart of that. I do not believe that He puts us through certain situations to keep the outcome to ourselves. We must share them with others and whomever needs it, will receive it.
When I was 15, my mother became ill. She had health problems from the time I was 8 due to a car accident, but was able to maintain until that time. When she became ill, I became the adult of the house. I was responsible for making sure the bills were paid, buying groceries, toiletries, etc. My first job, I was responsible for helping to pay the bills, while all my friends were using their money for fast good, underage drinking, and luxurious trips to Little Rock. I didn't understand it. Why did I have to be an adult at such a young age. It was hard. Very hard. In fact I started to act out. I would go off on teachers, get into fights, all the things that hurt kids do. But now as a 34 year old woman who is 100% on top of her business, I get it now. I had to go through that in order to be who I am now, and to teach "my kids" and some friends how to handle theirs. And I know that was the purpose of going through that because teeanagers actually listen to me. Where they do that at?! lol But seriously, it's all about the lessons. And here's one for you: Be careful of being envious of people's lives. You never know what they had to go through to get where they are.
So as I mentioned in the beginning, this past year has been ROUGH! I am now working a job that I *insert politically correct term for hate*, my finances are not where I want them to be, my love life is pathetic (topic for another blog, coming soon), and I just feel like everything is off track. But the other day, something (God) told me to reach out to my cousin. And she told me exactly what I needed to hear. She told me that my life was exactly where it was supposed to be. That I had to let go of the idea that my life was supposed to follow this set path, and that I was meant to create my own. That my life was not meant to look like anyone elses and to trust the process. And although I've heard something similar before, I received it this time. And when I truly think about it, I wouldn't trade lives with anyone else. Not even Oprah (have you read her story, chile please). Also, we aren't all meant for the lives we think we want. When I think about the patience and wherewithal it takes to be Oprah, I just don't have it! And that's ok because I'll have exactly what I need to handle the life that is meant for me. That may not come easy. It may come with some hard lessons and that too is ok. Because while going through it, just remember This Too Shall Pass. Keep going.
Love,
Amber
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Friday, December 1, 2017
The Misconception of Strength
"You're so strong!" "You'll be ok, you always bounce back." "A man is going to have to be on his ish to be with you!" "I'm not strong like you". These are all statements that I loathe, but are said to me quite often, and all are a misconception of strength.
I've been "adulting" since I was 15 years old. When my mother got sick and could no longer work, I started paying bills with my first job. I learned very quickly that if I wanted anything in life, that I would have to work hard to get it. It was also around this age when I realized that working for someone else was never going to be something that I could do for the rest of my life, but that may be a topic for another day....
I've had male friends as well as guys I've dated tell me that it's going to take a special kind of man to be with me. Why? Because I'm self sufficient? Taking care of myself shouldn't make me unattainable. It definitely doesn't mean that I don't need or can't submit to a man.
I'm starting to look at being called strong the way I look at being called an independent woman. I hate that statement because......what choice do I have? If I don't look out for me, if I don't make sure things get done in my life, who will?
Truth is, I know I'm a strong person, I don't have much of a choice. But I often times feel weak and too emotional. The guard that I've built up gives a sense of control and makes me feel safe from being let down. This is not something that I necessarily like to admit, but its the truth. This is a problem when it comes to romantic relationships. I have never seen first hand how a functioning relationship looks, so I'm not sure what I'm "supposed" to do to make a man FEEL wanted or needed. I feel that me simply wanting and needing you should be enough, but apparently its not. I've had guys that I was madly in love with tell me that "I just didn't think you cared". What?! So here goes my guard telling me, oh he's just using that as a cop out. He didn't want to commit so he's making you the problem. But what if this strength that I've grown to have prevents me from showing true emotion? Some (maybe even most?) of the time I was probably right, but again, another topic for another day.....
I'm an alpha female by nature. Couple that with the wall life has forced me to build and you get a woman that's 33, ambitious, compassionate, direct......and single. lol Nature and circumstance have made me into the person I am and I'd be remiss if I didn't say that I love my life. I have the freedom and will to do absolutely anything that I even think I want to do. I'm not afraid to step out on faith, try new things, visit a different country alone, dine out alone, or anything else people have said they admired about me. It's just who I am. I grew up with just my mother (my brother is 12 years my senior and was off to college when I started Kindergarten), and she worked nights so I have spent the majority of my life enjoying my own company. Fortunately it made me into a person who's own company I truly enjoy. Matter of fact I have to limit prolonged interactions with people and I avoid large crowds whenever possible. Because of this, loneliness is not something I struggle with too much. It does occur, especially after the passing of my mother. Something about her leaving this earth left a void that I can only liken to loneliness. Believe it or not, I never really seriously considered marriage until she was gone. I have always entertained the idea of it, but I never seriously thought about sharing my life and space with another person (forever?!) until then. (I also just broke out in a lil sweat as I typed that. lol)
As you can see I'm kind of all over the place about life as I know it. On one hand, I'm completely satisfied, on another I want (maybe even need) companionship, and thirdly it doesn't matter because either way, I'm just gonna keep it moving. See strength is a tricky thing. Its a struggle between what society says I should want, what's right in front of me, and accepting life as it comes, which is the most beautiful of them all because its gonna happen regardless of the other two. You just have to let go of what you THINK you want, what other people think your life should look like, and know that everything will work out as it was meant. THAT is strength. And accepting that is how you build strength.
I've been "adulting" since I was 15 years old. When my mother got sick and could no longer work, I started paying bills with my first job. I learned very quickly that if I wanted anything in life, that I would have to work hard to get it. It was also around this age when I realized that working for someone else was never going to be something that I could do for the rest of my life, but that may be a topic for another day....
I've had male friends as well as guys I've dated tell me that it's going to take a special kind of man to be with me. Why? Because I'm self sufficient? Taking care of myself shouldn't make me unattainable. It definitely doesn't mean that I don't need or can't submit to a man.
I'm starting to look at being called strong the way I look at being called an independent woman. I hate that statement because......what choice do I have? If I don't look out for me, if I don't make sure things get done in my life, who will?
Truth is, I know I'm a strong person, I don't have much of a choice. But I often times feel weak and too emotional. The guard that I've built up gives a sense of control and makes me feel safe from being let down. This is not something that I necessarily like to admit, but its the truth. This is a problem when it comes to romantic relationships. I have never seen first hand how a functioning relationship looks, so I'm not sure what I'm "supposed" to do to make a man FEEL wanted or needed. I feel that me simply wanting and needing you should be enough, but apparently its not. I've had guys that I was madly in love with tell me that "I just didn't think you cared". What?! So here goes my guard telling me, oh he's just using that as a cop out. He didn't want to commit so he's making you the problem. But what if this strength that I've grown to have prevents me from showing true emotion? Some (maybe even most?) of the time I was probably right, but again, another topic for another day.....
I'm an alpha female by nature. Couple that with the wall life has forced me to build and you get a woman that's 33, ambitious, compassionate, direct......and single. lol Nature and circumstance have made me into the person I am and I'd be remiss if I didn't say that I love my life. I have the freedom and will to do absolutely anything that I even think I want to do. I'm not afraid to step out on faith, try new things, visit a different country alone, dine out alone, or anything else people have said they admired about me. It's just who I am. I grew up with just my mother (my brother is 12 years my senior and was off to college when I started Kindergarten), and she worked nights so I have spent the majority of my life enjoying my own company. Fortunately it made me into a person who's own company I truly enjoy. Matter of fact I have to limit prolonged interactions with people and I avoid large crowds whenever possible. Because of this, loneliness is not something I struggle with too much. It does occur, especially after the passing of my mother. Something about her leaving this earth left a void that I can only liken to loneliness. Believe it or not, I never really seriously considered marriage until she was gone. I have always entertained the idea of it, but I never seriously thought about sharing my life and space with another person (forever?!) until then. (I also just broke out in a lil sweat as I typed that. lol)
As you can see I'm kind of all over the place about life as I know it. On one hand, I'm completely satisfied, on another I want (maybe even need) companionship, and thirdly it doesn't matter because either way, I'm just gonna keep it moving. See strength is a tricky thing. Its a struggle between what society says I should want, what's right in front of me, and accepting life as it comes, which is the most beautiful of them all because its gonna happen regardless of the other two. You just have to let go of what you THINK you want, what other people think your life should look like, and know that everything will work out as it was meant. THAT is strength. And accepting that is how you build strength.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Mourning
8:26am on September 16, 2014. By far the worse day of my life. It was the day that every person dreads and/or refuses to consider. It was the day that I lost my #1 fan, supporter, encourager, and friend. It was the day that I lost my mother.
I was in Riviera Maya Mexico from September 11-15 2014. I called my mom on September 11 while in Miami for a layover to tell her that I was on my way and that I would talk to her when I got back on the 15th. I told her that my phone was not going to be on due to international rates, but that I would email my friend Val and have Val to call her and let her know I made it. She asked me to remind her where I was going again, then said "By yourself?!" I informed her of how safe the resort was and how I had researched it to ensure that it was a good place for a solo female traveler. She seemed assured that I was making a good decision and changed the subject to something else. We talked about her boyfriend for a second, then I changed the subject. lol Before we hung up, she told me that she loved me, and I told her the same. Our last conversation lasted 00:01:32. Had I known it would be our last......
I got back to the States around 9pm on September 15. My layover was in Dallas, but I didn't call her initially. I was going to wait until I got back to Nashville because if she was sleep, she would stay up and sit by the phone until she heard from me. Instead, I called a few friends and chatted until the plane boarded. I landed in Nashville around 11:30pm and called her as soon as the plane hit the tarmac. The phone rang and rang. Eventually, it went to voicemail. I figured she had fallen asleep and would call me once she woke up. A bit unusual when she knew I was coming back from a trip, but I didn't think much of it. I went out and met a few friends for drinks and to tell them about my trip, not thinking anything about the fact that my mom still hadn't called back. I got home around 2am and prepared to unpack and catch up on my TV shows that I missed while on vacation. I finally went to sleep around 4am.
My phone rang around 8:15am on September 16, but I didn't even roll over to see who it was. Kind of thought it was my mom, but I said to myself, if its her I'll call her back in a few. A few minutes later it rang again. This time I looked at it and saw that it was my cousin Nikki. I said to myself, I'll call her back when I wake up (Sorry Nikki! lol). But when she called right back, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. She said, "Amber we need you to come home". I asked what was going on, and she repeated it. I again asked her what was wrong. She then said, "Amber. Your mother......she's gone". I blacked out for what seems like forever. Just screaming and throwing sheets, clothes, and whatever else I had in my vicinity. My first thought was, No. I need to hear her voice. NO! I need my mama! I called her home phone and her boyfriend answered and said in a somber voice, "I'm sorry Amber". Then I thought about how when I called her at 11:30 pm she didn't answer because she was already gone. How long had she been there like that? Did she try to call me and I didn't get the call because I was in Mexico and didn't have phone service. What was going through her mind as she laid there on the bathroom floor slipping away? Was she in pain? Did she need me and I wasn't there? Did I fail her? So many thoughts raced through my mind that it left me physically exhausted.
Its been a little over three months since I've laid my mother to rest. It feels as if this emotional roller coaster is finally leveling out a bit. Some moments I'm perfectly fine, smiling at the memory of my mother. Other times, I feel as if I just want to die because it hurts so bad. It took me about two weeks to be able to cook for myself. Cooking was something that we very often shared experiences with. Mostly every day I would call her to remind me of an ingredient that goes into a dish or to ask what cut of meat I should get, etc. It pained me to think that if I made something and needed help that I wouldn't be able to reach her.
People tell me that it will get easier, and I think it will, but I miss my mama so much. We were very, very close. Had fun together, talked about everything, and I loved her so much. My mom loved me unconditionally. She understood me wholeheartedly. She never judged or held a grudge against me. Whenever something good happened, I never had to question the sincerity of her happiness for me. When I did something stupid, she never made me feel bad, but felt her baby's pain. I could call her when having a terrible day and simply say "hey mama", and she immediately asked "what's wrong baby". How am I supposed to move on when that person is gone? Forget cherishing the memories, I need to make more with her. I need her to show me AGAIN how to fold a fitted sheet. I wanted to learn how to make baskets and bows. I need a little help with making dressing and picking out a good pot roast. I need my mama.
I'm 30 years old, no husband, no kids. This means that if God blesses me with either of these, then I will have to experience them without the only person that I want to share them with. This means no motherly advice, no moving to Nashville to help me, no hugs and kisses to my children from their grandmother. How unfair is that?! I know that my mother was suffering and was in pain. I know that she was tired of the hospital visits and doctors, medicines, and depending on others, and maybe I'm being selfish for wanting her here with me, but I do.
I am learning to forgive myself for not being there for her. For not moving her to Nashville when she told me that she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure earlier in 2014. For not being more supportive in helping her change her eating and smoking habits. For not being there when she needed me. I need to forgive myself for having her lay on that cold bathroom floor for 12-24 hours before anyone knew she was gone. Forgive myself for not even knowing the real time that my mother left this earth. I was supposed to be there holding her hand, letting her know that it was OK. I was supposed to be able to tell her goodbye that that I loved her one last time. I should have told her she was beautiful, because she was. Not a wrinkle in sight. Just a few grey hairs regardless of the stress I caused her as a child. Despite how proud of me she was, there was so much more that I should have done. I have to learn to forgive myself for not doing those things.
I allowed myself this entire time to grieve. To feel every emotion that I need to feel. I have not forced myself to feel any certain way. When I want/need to cry, I do. When I need to feel angry, sad, confused, or whatever, I allow myself that opportunity. I tend to be an emotional eater, so I have allowed myself to be that at this time. Unfortunately it has resulted in a 10 lb weight gain, but I'm finally at the point where I am able to re-direct that urge to workout instead of eating (Thank God). But the important thing is that I let myself do what I felt I needed/wanted to do to cope with my emotions. I have always been told how strong of a person I am. I never realized how true that was until now, even though sometimes I don't feel like it.
2014 was an emotional roller coaster for me. I lost my paternal grandmother in June and my mother in September. Aside from that, it was a pretty awesome year. Things are going great on my job, I launched my side hobby Oh Sew Amber, and connected with some pretty awesome people. Working on my hobby really helped me out during my grieving process as well. I turn on my sewing machine, play the soft rock station on Pandora, and float away. Before I know it, hours have passed and I'm in a good mental space.
I wrote all of this to help someone who may be going through a loss by sharing what worked for me while coping with loss. I recommend:
1) Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel. Don't try to force emotions. Cry when you need to cry, scream when you feel the urge.
2) Find a healthy outlet. Although I did allow myself to eat like a hog initially, I definitely had to put a time frame on it. Luckily I also have sewing as an outlet. This may be a good time to pick up a hobby if you don't already have one. You'd be surprised how much it helps.
3) Surround yourself around people that will support and encourage you. I am blessed with an AMAZING group of family and friends that were there for me even when I didn't want anyone there. On the day I got the news, I called everyone whose voice would provide comfort to me. Some I hadn't spoken to in a while, but I just needed to hear their voices. Folks will understand.
4) Don't blame yourself. Dealing with the fact that I was laid out on the beach while my mother passed into eternity weighed heavily on me. "I should have been there" was all I could think. It took my cousin to tell me the story of losing her son to grasp the concept of "God's timing". She told me how she sat by his side constantly. Never went anywhere for long periods of time. She said that the one time she decided to leave the house, running to the store to pick up a few items, was when he passed. She told me that it was just his time and that there was nothing she could've done to stop it.
5) But certainly not least, PRAY! Talk to your higher power and say whatever it is you need to say. Just don't neglect to be grateful for having that person in your life and for them leaving the impression that they did in your life. The prayers of others are powerful as well. I honestly believe that the prayers of others are what got me through the first week, because I didn't start praying for myself until the second week after I actually wrapped my mind around everything.
Hope this helps someone. I don't wish the pain of losing a close loved one on anybody, but it happens and we do have to find a way to get through it.
I was in Riviera Maya Mexico from September 11-15 2014. I called my mom on September 11 while in Miami for a layover to tell her that I was on my way and that I would talk to her when I got back on the 15th. I told her that my phone was not going to be on due to international rates, but that I would email my friend Val and have Val to call her and let her know I made it. She asked me to remind her where I was going again, then said "By yourself?!" I informed her of how safe the resort was and how I had researched it to ensure that it was a good place for a solo female traveler. She seemed assured that I was making a good decision and changed the subject to something else. We talked about her boyfriend for a second, then I changed the subject. lol Before we hung up, she told me that she loved me, and I told her the same. Our last conversation lasted 00:01:32. Had I known it would be our last......
I got back to the States around 9pm on September 15. My layover was in Dallas, but I didn't call her initially. I was going to wait until I got back to Nashville because if she was sleep, she would stay up and sit by the phone until she heard from me. Instead, I called a few friends and chatted until the plane boarded. I landed in Nashville around 11:30pm and called her as soon as the plane hit the tarmac. The phone rang and rang. Eventually, it went to voicemail. I figured she had fallen asleep and would call me once she woke up. A bit unusual when she knew I was coming back from a trip, but I didn't think much of it. I went out and met a few friends for drinks and to tell them about my trip, not thinking anything about the fact that my mom still hadn't called back. I got home around 2am and prepared to unpack and catch up on my TV shows that I missed while on vacation. I finally went to sleep around 4am.
My phone rang around 8:15am on September 16, but I didn't even roll over to see who it was. Kind of thought it was my mom, but I said to myself, if its her I'll call her back in a few. A few minutes later it rang again. This time I looked at it and saw that it was my cousin Nikki. I said to myself, I'll call her back when I wake up (Sorry Nikki! lol). But when she called right back, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. She said, "Amber we need you to come home". I asked what was going on, and she repeated it. I again asked her what was wrong. She then said, "Amber. Your mother......she's gone". I blacked out for what seems like forever. Just screaming and throwing sheets, clothes, and whatever else I had in my vicinity. My first thought was, No. I need to hear her voice. NO! I need my mama! I called her home phone and her boyfriend answered and said in a somber voice, "I'm sorry Amber". Then I thought about how when I called her at 11:30 pm she didn't answer because she was already gone. How long had she been there like that? Did she try to call me and I didn't get the call because I was in Mexico and didn't have phone service. What was going through her mind as she laid there on the bathroom floor slipping away? Was she in pain? Did she need me and I wasn't there? Did I fail her? So many thoughts raced through my mind that it left me physically exhausted.
Its been a little over three months since I've laid my mother to rest. It feels as if this emotional roller coaster is finally leveling out a bit. Some moments I'm perfectly fine, smiling at the memory of my mother. Other times, I feel as if I just want to die because it hurts so bad. It took me about two weeks to be able to cook for myself. Cooking was something that we very often shared experiences with. Mostly every day I would call her to remind me of an ingredient that goes into a dish or to ask what cut of meat I should get, etc. It pained me to think that if I made something and needed help that I wouldn't be able to reach her.
People tell me that it will get easier, and I think it will, but I miss my mama so much. We were very, very close. Had fun together, talked about everything, and I loved her so much. My mom loved me unconditionally. She understood me wholeheartedly. She never judged or held a grudge against me. Whenever something good happened, I never had to question the sincerity of her happiness for me. When I did something stupid, she never made me feel bad, but felt her baby's pain. I could call her when having a terrible day and simply say "hey mama", and she immediately asked "what's wrong baby". How am I supposed to move on when that person is gone? Forget cherishing the memories, I need to make more with her. I need her to show me AGAIN how to fold a fitted sheet. I wanted to learn how to make baskets and bows. I need a little help with making dressing and picking out a good pot roast. I need my mama.
I'm 30 years old, no husband, no kids. This means that if God blesses me with either of these, then I will have to experience them without the only person that I want to share them with. This means no motherly advice, no moving to Nashville to help me, no hugs and kisses to my children from their grandmother. How unfair is that?! I know that my mother was suffering and was in pain. I know that she was tired of the hospital visits and doctors, medicines, and depending on others, and maybe I'm being selfish for wanting her here with me, but I do.
I am learning to forgive myself for not being there for her. For not moving her to Nashville when she told me that she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure earlier in 2014. For not being more supportive in helping her change her eating and smoking habits. For not being there when she needed me. I need to forgive myself for having her lay on that cold bathroom floor for 12-24 hours before anyone knew she was gone. Forgive myself for not even knowing the real time that my mother left this earth. I was supposed to be there holding her hand, letting her know that it was OK. I was supposed to be able to tell her goodbye that that I loved her one last time. I should have told her she was beautiful, because she was. Not a wrinkle in sight. Just a few grey hairs regardless of the stress I caused her as a child. Despite how proud of me she was, there was so much more that I should have done. I have to learn to forgive myself for not doing those things.
I allowed myself this entire time to grieve. To feel every emotion that I need to feel. I have not forced myself to feel any certain way. When I want/need to cry, I do. When I need to feel angry, sad, confused, or whatever, I allow myself that opportunity. I tend to be an emotional eater, so I have allowed myself to be that at this time. Unfortunately it has resulted in a 10 lb weight gain, but I'm finally at the point where I am able to re-direct that urge to workout instead of eating (Thank God). But the important thing is that I let myself do what I felt I needed/wanted to do to cope with my emotions. I have always been told how strong of a person I am. I never realized how true that was until now, even though sometimes I don't feel like it.
2014 was an emotional roller coaster for me. I lost my paternal grandmother in June and my mother in September. Aside from that, it was a pretty awesome year. Things are going great on my job, I launched my side hobby Oh Sew Amber, and connected with some pretty awesome people. Working on my hobby really helped me out during my grieving process as well. I turn on my sewing machine, play the soft rock station on Pandora, and float away. Before I know it, hours have passed and I'm in a good mental space.
I wrote all of this to help someone who may be going through a loss by sharing what worked for me while coping with loss. I recommend:
1) Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel. Don't try to force emotions. Cry when you need to cry, scream when you feel the urge.
2) Find a healthy outlet. Although I did allow myself to eat like a hog initially, I definitely had to put a time frame on it. Luckily I also have sewing as an outlet. This may be a good time to pick up a hobby if you don't already have one. You'd be surprised how much it helps.
3) Surround yourself around people that will support and encourage you. I am blessed with an AMAZING group of family and friends that were there for me even when I didn't want anyone there. On the day I got the news, I called everyone whose voice would provide comfort to me. Some I hadn't spoken to in a while, but I just needed to hear their voices. Folks will understand.
4) Don't blame yourself. Dealing with the fact that I was laid out on the beach while my mother passed into eternity weighed heavily on me. "I should have been there" was all I could think. It took my cousin to tell me the story of losing her son to grasp the concept of "God's timing". She told me how she sat by his side constantly. Never went anywhere for long periods of time. She said that the one time she decided to leave the house, running to the store to pick up a few items, was when he passed. She told me that it was just his time and that there was nothing she could've done to stop it.
5) But certainly not least, PRAY! Talk to your higher power and say whatever it is you need to say. Just don't neglect to be grateful for having that person in your life and for them leaving the impression that they did in your life. The prayers of others are powerful as well. I honestly believe that the prayers of others are what got me through the first week, because I didn't start praying for myself until the second week after I actually wrapped my mind around everything.
Hope this helps someone. I don't wish the pain of losing a close loved one on anybody, but it happens and we do have to find a way to get through it.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Tis The Season To Not Be Jolly With My Money
Its the holiday season and everyone is out shopping buying gifts for their family and loved ones. Everyone except me! lol I decided to write about it because of the crazy looks I get when I'm asked if I'm done with my Christmas shopping and my response is "I don't buy Christmas gifts". I just thought I'd explain my point of view and gather some opinions from others.
I decided a few years ago that I would no longer buy or accept Christmas gifts, or gifts for any other commercialized holiday (Valentines, Mothers Day, etc). Other than it being pointless (in my opinion), it puts a lot of pressure on people to buy things that they may can not afford and I would get sad after hearing about all the suicides that occurred because people couldn't afford to buy gifts for their kids. Tonight I saw a heartwarming story on the news. A family was having a hard time after the parents were injured in an accident. Some guy saw the story and decided to help. He bought them a new car along with cash and gift cards. They said that they would use the money to buy Christmas gifts for their kids. WHY?! You're out of work and you're buying gifts? Shouldn't that money go towards living expenses and other necessities? I don't get it. Now I don't have children so I won't say that the parents should teach their children the true meaning of Christmas or the holiday season in general, and that those children should be made to understand the blessing that they received from the stranger. Oh did I just say it? hahaha The kids were pre-teens by the way. Its about time for them to know the truth anyway right?
Now I do believe in God.. And regardless of whether its actually Jesus' birthday or not, its a time we should set aside and give thanks for our salvation. I think the holiday season is great for spending time with your family since its the only time a lot of people get to visit with their loved ones. Its also a great time to just have some time off and reflect on the ending year and prepare for the next. So should this joyous time be sabotaged by the selfishness of receiving gifts, unappreciative kids, and depression of families who spent way too much money on things that will be destroyed or tossed away within a few months? Its just ridiculous.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that this will NEVER change (or even that it should), I'm just expressing my opinion on the matter. Of course as a child, there was no greater feeling than writing out my Christmas list, sneaking under the Christmas tree with my brother and trying to figure out what was in the boxes with our names on it, and waking up early Christmas morning to open my presents. I plan to do the same with my children when the time comes. But I refuse to be pressured by these big companies to buy things that they won't need or will even want a week after Christmas. The commercialized holidays are such a tragedy. I don't need a specified day of the year to show anyone that I care about them. If you're really loved, it'll be shown. But maybe I'm just a Scrooge. Maybe I'm just a tight wad. Whomp whomp.
I decided a few years ago that I would no longer buy or accept Christmas gifts, or gifts for any other commercialized holiday (Valentines, Mothers Day, etc). Other than it being pointless (in my opinion), it puts a lot of pressure on people to buy things that they may can not afford and I would get sad after hearing about all the suicides that occurred because people couldn't afford to buy gifts for their kids. Tonight I saw a heartwarming story on the news. A family was having a hard time after the parents were injured in an accident. Some guy saw the story and decided to help. He bought them a new car along with cash and gift cards. They said that they would use the money to buy Christmas gifts for their kids. WHY?! You're out of work and you're buying gifts? Shouldn't that money go towards living expenses and other necessities? I don't get it. Now I don't have children so I won't say that the parents should teach their children the true meaning of Christmas or the holiday season in general, and that those children should be made to understand the blessing that they received from the stranger. Oh did I just say it? hahaha The kids were pre-teens by the way. Its about time for them to know the truth anyway right?
Now I do believe in God.. And regardless of whether its actually Jesus' birthday or not, its a time we should set aside and give thanks for our salvation. I think the holiday season is great for spending time with your family since its the only time a lot of people get to visit with their loved ones. Its also a great time to just have some time off and reflect on the ending year and prepare for the next. So should this joyous time be sabotaged by the selfishness of receiving gifts, unappreciative kids, and depression of families who spent way too much money on things that will be destroyed or tossed away within a few months? Its just ridiculous.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that this will NEVER change (or even that it should), I'm just expressing my opinion on the matter. Of course as a child, there was no greater feeling than writing out my Christmas list, sneaking under the Christmas tree with my brother and trying to figure out what was in the boxes with our names on it, and waking up early Christmas morning to open my presents. I plan to do the same with my children when the time comes. But I refuse to be pressured by these big companies to buy things that they won't need or will even want a week after Christmas. The commercialized holidays are such a tragedy. I don't need a specified day of the year to show anyone that I care about them. If you're really loved, it'll be shown. But maybe I'm just a Scrooge. Maybe I'm just a tight wad. Whomp whomp.
God, Church, Saints, and Aints
This blog is speaking from my point of view only. I am in no way attempting to express the opinions of any person or group of people.
My religious views are changing. I'm not really into the whole denominational thing anymore. I feel as if it divides God's people and creates more separation than unity.I know that the structure of church has changed quite a bit from my younger days. I honestly stopped going to church for a while because I absolutely hate the judgmental nature of most "church folks" now. But at the end of the day, you have to block all that out and go get what you're in need of. You just have to find a place that you can have that feeling. The feeling that all is right in your world....that you are safe from the pressures and pain of the world. That place is out there for you. There are sooo many churches, but there is a place for everyone. Don't get caught up in religion, focus on Him and find a place for you. Just remember that God is not necessarily only in church, but He lives in us. Your "place" may be a Catholic church, Buddhist temple, Kingdom Hall, wherever... just find what is best for you. I wrote this about God, because that is who I believe in. You cant make me believe that only one group of those people out of all the beliefs in this world are "living right". lol But I am a firm believer that you have to believe in something. You have to know that someone or something out there is working on your behalf in this world.
I've heard non church goers claim that "church folks act holy on Sunday, but do the sames things as me Mon-Sat". This may be true (for some or most), but the feeling that you get during those two hours.....WHEW! Going to church and hearing the word is like a reset. You feel as if all the wrong you've done in that week (month, quarter, year, whatever) has been erased and you get a clean start. You get the reminder that there is still a God (or someone out there) that loves you and cares for you no matter who on this earth has broken your heart. Those two hours can change the direction on how the remainder of your week will go. In those two hours, nothing outside those walls matter. I've experienced being in church, holding hands, singing, and having fellowship with people that I otherwise would probably never even talk to. Matter of fact, once we left the church we probably wouldn't have any further interaction, but during those two hours, we were family. This may not make any sense to some of you. But until you've experience the power of God for yourself, it never will. Its also true that some people don't even go to church for God. It may be just to retreat from the world, it may be to see what all the hype is about. It may even be to take a selfie and front like its their thing. lol Who cares? The point is that whatever your reason for getting there, you're there! There have been times when I didn't feel like going and only went because I told someone I would meet them there. But when I arrived, the Word I received changed my life, mood, or outlook....whether it was permanently or until I left to go home.
I know some people are going to always be against church. That's fine if its not your thing, but we all need something. We all need that place of refuge....we all need to believe in something. Just make sure that you don't allow your disdain for the church to keep you from finding your healing place. Its so important for our mental, physical, and spiritual health. On a closing note, have you ever noticed that those who are against spirituality/church, are some of the most hurt and angry people you've ever encountered? There's a reason for that. That's why I believe that spiritual reset is so important.
I hope I didn't step on any toes. This is just something that has been on my mind for a while so I decided to write about it. These are MY feelings. Not to discredit anyone else's. Thanks for understanding that.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Saying What I Said I Wasn't Going To Say
I said that I wasn't going to say anything about the Zimmerman trial/Trayvon Martin, but then I ran across a picture of the body after he was shot. Something about it made me change my whole mind frame about the different scenarios I thought could have happened the night of Feb 26, 2012. These were mostly private thoughts using a realistic viewpoint of what could have possibly happened....trying to put myself in both of their shoes.
Being Zimmerman you want your neighborhood to be safe. There have been some break-ins and you see an unfamiliar black face walking around in the rain. Would I be suspicious? Yes! Would I get out of my car and follow him? No! I would report the "suspicious activity", asked for a patrol car, and if something was to happen that night, have comfort in knowing that the police have a proper description of a suspect. Then I would have went home and kept my heat on me in case anyone decided to come into my home/property.
Being Martin I have the right to be wherever I want to be wearing what I want to wear. That shouldn't make me a target. But if you do find me suspicious, you will NOT follow me and/or confront me asking me questions about why I'm in your neighborhood. That would make me angry and I would probably swing on you. I run to get away from you initially and you come find me? Oh, yeah we have a problem. Does that make it ok? No, but neither is the fact that you're following me because you want to be top flight security of the world. At this point I'm just as, if not more, suspicious of you than you are of me. Only difference is, you've actually given me a reason to be.
I can understand both viewpoints, but in the end, I can't wrap my mind around how this man was found not guilty. It just isn't right. I admit that I'm no law scholar, but I have faith in the justice system when it operates properly and according to the written law. But it didn't work this time. It failed....horribly. I read somewhere that the jury was comprised of some mothers, but instead of feeling the need to protect Martin, their instincts were to protect Zimmerman. Makes perfect sense to me. Martin was left in the cold yet again. Even seemed to be put on trial for his own murder. smh
I tried to ignore a lot of the comments, videos, and even the trial itself, because I really didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with the anger that I feel now, I didn't want to deal with the racism that is still very much alive, I didn't want to deal with how the media chooses cases like this to ignite firestorms, but ignore so many other issues and topics in which we need to be informed, and I didn't want to deal with how most blacks want to crucify "the man" for killing us, but choose not to address the HUGE issue of black on black crime and other issues facing our community caused by our community. But here I am stating my opinion and viewpoint.
Seeing Trayvon's body angered me so much. Nothing about that boy said thug or burglar. He looked like he could have just left school and was on his way home. It was 7pm. The time when most people are getting home and settled in, not the prime time to be concerned about a break in ideally. He had a frightened look on his face. He was slim, had a clean shaven face, low haircut, his pants were pulled up, none of the things that would strike you as suspicious or thuggish. It pissed me off. I finally got angry. But am I going out to protest or sign any petitions? No. I'm not. Not saying anything is wrong with people who choose to, but I'm just being honest. That's just not my avenue of dealing.
I'm a huge advocate of putting up or shutting up. I believe that "if you wanna reach the nation you have got to start from your corner". I take an active part in making a difference. I do so not to brag about it, but because I feel that I have that responsibility. It really is messed up how black men are viewed in society. I hate the stereotypes, but if you remove the emotion out of it, you can see how it has been earned. I'm more afraid of a black neighborhood in Pine Bluff or Chicago than I am of Sanford, FL. That's just an honest truth. So after this movement is over and done and Trayvon Martin becomes a forgotten name, what will you do? It takes more than a tweet, a Facebook post, and blacking out an avatar. We have got to actually do something. Its way past the time to get uncomfortable. Talk to some kids that you're around. Share life stories with them. Prepare them for this cold hard world that awaits them. Teach a young man how to tie a tie, open the door for a lady, and the importance of forming a proper sentence. Show a young lady that a single dress should not be worn for the club and church, that she should speak when she walks into a room, show her how to take care of her body with proper hygiene. Making a difference doesn't have to cost anything, but it does require giving a damn.
Let us all say a prayer today. Let's pray for all broken hearts, the lost, and lets pray that we fulfill the purpose that God has for each of us. Peace.
Being Zimmerman you want your neighborhood to be safe. There have been some break-ins and you see an unfamiliar black face walking around in the rain. Would I be suspicious? Yes! Would I get out of my car and follow him? No! I would report the "suspicious activity", asked for a patrol car, and if something was to happen that night, have comfort in knowing that the police have a proper description of a suspect. Then I would have went home and kept my heat on me in case anyone decided to come into my home/property.
Being Martin I have the right to be wherever I want to be wearing what I want to wear. That shouldn't make me a target. But if you do find me suspicious, you will NOT follow me and/or confront me asking me questions about why I'm in your neighborhood. That would make me angry and I would probably swing on you. I run to get away from you initially and you come find me? Oh, yeah we have a problem. Does that make it ok? No, but neither is the fact that you're following me because you want to be top flight security of the world. At this point I'm just as, if not more, suspicious of you than you are of me. Only difference is, you've actually given me a reason to be.
I can understand both viewpoints, but in the end, I can't wrap my mind around how this man was found not guilty. It just isn't right. I admit that I'm no law scholar, but I have faith in the justice system when it operates properly and according to the written law. But it didn't work this time. It failed....horribly. I read somewhere that the jury was comprised of some mothers, but instead of feeling the need to protect Martin, their instincts were to protect Zimmerman. Makes perfect sense to me. Martin was left in the cold yet again. Even seemed to be put on trial for his own murder. smh
I tried to ignore a lot of the comments, videos, and even the trial itself, because I really didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with the anger that I feel now, I didn't want to deal with the racism that is still very much alive, I didn't want to deal with how the media chooses cases like this to ignite firestorms, but ignore so many other issues and topics in which we need to be informed, and I didn't want to deal with how most blacks want to crucify "the man" for killing us, but choose not to address the HUGE issue of black on black crime and other issues facing our community caused by our community. But here I am stating my opinion and viewpoint.
Seeing Trayvon's body angered me so much. Nothing about that boy said thug or burglar. He looked like he could have just left school and was on his way home. It was 7pm. The time when most people are getting home and settled in, not the prime time to be concerned about a break in ideally. He had a frightened look on his face. He was slim, had a clean shaven face, low haircut, his pants were pulled up, none of the things that would strike you as suspicious or thuggish. It pissed me off. I finally got angry. But am I going out to protest or sign any petitions? No. I'm not. Not saying anything is wrong with people who choose to, but I'm just being honest. That's just not my avenue of dealing.
I'm a huge advocate of putting up or shutting up. I believe that "if you wanna reach the nation you have got to start from your corner". I take an active part in making a difference. I do so not to brag about it, but because I feel that I have that responsibility. It really is messed up how black men are viewed in society. I hate the stereotypes, but if you remove the emotion out of it, you can see how it has been earned. I'm more afraid of a black neighborhood in Pine Bluff or Chicago than I am of Sanford, FL. That's just an honest truth. So after this movement is over and done and Trayvon Martin becomes a forgotten name, what will you do? It takes more than a tweet, a Facebook post, and blacking out an avatar. We have got to actually do something. Its way past the time to get uncomfortable. Talk to some kids that you're around. Share life stories with them. Prepare them for this cold hard world that awaits them. Teach a young man how to tie a tie, open the door for a lady, and the importance of forming a proper sentence. Show a young lady that a single dress should not be worn for the club and church, that she should speak when she walks into a room, show her how to take care of her body with proper hygiene. Making a difference doesn't have to cost anything, but it does require giving a damn.
Let us all say a prayer today. Let's pray for all broken hearts, the lost, and lets pray that we fulfill the purpose that God has for each of us. Peace.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Old Facebook Post
Ok, its been a while since I’ve gotten deep folks, so here it is….another note. Most of these thoughts are random….some would call me a blogger, but facebook is the only site I visit daily and there is no blog section on here, so notes it is.
As I write this note with India.Arie “Testimony: Volume 2, Love and Politics” playing on my new laptop :D I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. So I’ve decided to break it down into categories. Lets start with America’s favorite topic (and since “Chocolate High” is playing)…….RELATIONSHIPS
RELATIONSHIPS
I’ve been contemplating the idea of being in a serious relationship, but I have decided that I’m not “together” enough right now for all that, BUT if I were, what would I look for. I have learned that it is important to be able to answer the question, “What are you looking for in a man”. Mainly because you have to know what you want, or what you expect from a guy. Of course we know what we DON’T want, but its just as important to know what we DO want, and its not as simple as just saying, it’s the opposite of what we don’t want. For example, I know I don’t want a liar (compulsive or not), but I definitely know that I will not find someone who doesn’t lie at all. SO, its fair to say that I want someone who is honest, and considerate. Give me the option of knowing the truth and making my own decision.
Another topic I think a lot about as far as relationships go is roles. I know plenty of men who have their minds made up of what they think a woman should/should not do in the relationship. Most say, cook, keep the house clean, sex on demand lol, etc. The same goes for women. Most think the man should, be the sole provider, pay for the meals, and whatever else. Ok, first of all, if you are in a SERIOUS relationship, the bible outlines the roles the man and woman play in a relationship/marriage. Now, if you are just “talking” there’s no need for you to be even worried about all that right now. Cause you know how we do, we’ll be with a dude forever, have kids, live together and everything thing and still say “Girl, we just talking right now” lmao. But seriously, the roles are outlined in the bible. I’m not a bible scholar or preacher, so I’ll leave that up to you to read it for yourself, but for future reference, if you ever wonder what you are supposed to do, its in there. I’ve read it, and I really don’t know if I’m grown enough for all that yet. Lol Ok, that's enough about that. I could go on, but there are a few more topics to cover. Next topic (since “Better Way”) is playing …..POLITICS
POLITICS
Well, well, well. Here it is. A brand new year, and after all the ignorant (black, white, and ESPECIALLY Republican) people in America thought that on January 20, 2009 all the problems of the world were supposed to disappear just because the new president was black…umm, looks about the same to me! People, I tried to tell ya’ll in my last note, that this was not gonna be easy. This is going to take a while to clean up, years and years to be exact, and its only going to be worse because you have people like Rush Limbaugh, who is a significant influence in the republican party, who are hoping that the Obama administration fails. As if this recession has not taken a toll on their pockets as well. I don’t care how rich you are, you have to feel some kind of loss right now. If not for yourself, for others. If not, then you have no business in any kind of leadership position in this country. Maybe u need to just preside over your yacht club and call it a day. Cause I don’t need you in my government. For real. All I can say is that we have to stay prayed up. That’s all I know to do, and I suggest you do the same. End of that topic. Next up….Contentment (“Grains” interludes playing)
CONTENTMENT
This is a topic that I’ve been wrestling with lately. But I think I’m getting it. I can not tell you how to conquer it, but this may help.
Oh god, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things that I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things that I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.
In life, we may have something, but we always want more. Which is a good thing, never settle for less than what you deserve, but there comes a time when you have to just enjoy what you have and be content with it. Everybody cant be rich, everybody cant be poor. We all cant own homes, but we all cant be homeless, we all cant drive a Lexus, but we all cant ride a bike. Lol Think about it, If we were all rich, we would take wealth for granted even more than we do now. If we all owned homes, who would make the money in real estate? If we all drove a Lexus, how would GM and Toyota survive? Lol I mean it sounds funny, but think about it. Bottom line, be grateful for what you have, even if you want more. You never know what the future holds. You may get more, but then again, you may just be stuck with what you have, but be grateful for it. Next and last topic……Forgiveness (Testimony: Volume 1, Love, Life, and Relationship now playing “Wings of Forgiveness”)
FORGIVENESS
This topic is tough. But I learned the beauty of it between November 2006, and August 2008. Long time huh? But its not that long when you spend it resenting someone, and in reality yourself. And honestly, the above mentioned song, jumped off the whole process for me. From there it required a lot of studying my bible, venting, and actually being asked for forgiveness to actually be able to do it. It also helped that I needed to be forgiven by someone else as well. So that’s the advice I’ll give on that. If you’re ever in a situation where u find it hard to forgive someone, always remember that you need or may need to be forgiven for something you’ve done as well. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. Never put yourself above anyone else for any reason. As a line in that song goes “If Jesus can forgive crucifixion, surely we can survive and find a resolution”. Now if Jesus can forgive what happened to him…….don't make me preach now. Lol
Well I’m tired of typing, and I’m sure you’re tired of reading if you haven't quit already, lol so I’ll end this note here. Please feel free to leave comments and feedback and thanks for reading.
As I write this note with India.Arie “Testimony: Volume 2, Love and Politics” playing on my new laptop :D I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. So I’ve decided to break it down into categories. Lets start with America’s favorite topic (and since “Chocolate High” is playing)…….RELATIONSHIPS
RELATIONSHIPS
I’ve been contemplating the idea of being in a serious relationship, but I have decided that I’m not “together” enough right now for all that, BUT if I were, what would I look for. I have learned that it is important to be able to answer the question, “What are you looking for in a man”. Mainly because you have to know what you want, or what you expect from a guy. Of course we know what we DON’T want, but its just as important to know what we DO want, and its not as simple as just saying, it’s the opposite of what we don’t want. For example, I know I don’t want a liar (compulsive or not), but I definitely know that I will not find someone who doesn’t lie at all. SO, its fair to say that I want someone who is honest, and considerate. Give me the option of knowing the truth and making my own decision.
Another topic I think a lot about as far as relationships go is roles. I know plenty of men who have their minds made up of what they think a woman should/should not do in the relationship. Most say, cook, keep the house clean, sex on demand lol, etc. The same goes for women. Most think the man should, be the sole provider, pay for the meals, and whatever else. Ok, first of all, if you are in a SERIOUS relationship, the bible outlines the roles the man and woman play in a relationship/marriage. Now, if you are just “talking” there’s no need for you to be even worried about all that right now. Cause you know how we do, we’ll be with a dude forever, have kids, live together and everything thing and still say “Girl, we just talking right now” lmao. But seriously, the roles are outlined in the bible. I’m not a bible scholar or preacher, so I’ll leave that up to you to read it for yourself, but for future reference, if you ever wonder what you are supposed to do, its in there. I’ve read it, and I really don’t know if I’m grown enough for all that yet. Lol Ok, that's enough about that. I could go on, but there are a few more topics to cover. Next topic (since “Better Way”) is playing …..POLITICS
POLITICS
Well, well, well. Here it is. A brand new year, and after all the ignorant (black, white, and ESPECIALLY Republican) people in America thought that on January 20, 2009 all the problems of the world were supposed to disappear just because the new president was black…umm, looks about the same to me! People, I tried to tell ya’ll in my last note, that this was not gonna be easy. This is going to take a while to clean up, years and years to be exact, and its only going to be worse because you have people like Rush Limbaugh, who is a significant influence in the republican party, who are hoping that the Obama administration fails. As if this recession has not taken a toll on their pockets as well. I don’t care how rich you are, you have to feel some kind of loss right now. If not for yourself, for others. If not, then you have no business in any kind of leadership position in this country. Maybe u need to just preside over your yacht club and call it a day. Cause I don’t need you in my government. For real. All I can say is that we have to stay prayed up. That’s all I know to do, and I suggest you do the same. End of that topic. Next up….Contentment (“Grains” interludes playing)
CONTENTMENT
This is a topic that I’ve been wrestling with lately. But I think I’m getting it. I can not tell you how to conquer it, but this may help.
Oh god, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things that I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things that I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.
In life, we may have something, but we always want more. Which is a good thing, never settle for less than what you deserve, but there comes a time when you have to just enjoy what you have and be content with it. Everybody cant be rich, everybody cant be poor. We all cant own homes, but we all cant be homeless, we all cant drive a Lexus, but we all cant ride a bike. Lol Think about it, If we were all rich, we would take wealth for granted even more than we do now. If we all owned homes, who would make the money in real estate? If we all drove a Lexus, how would GM and Toyota survive? Lol I mean it sounds funny, but think about it. Bottom line, be grateful for what you have, even if you want more. You never know what the future holds. You may get more, but then again, you may just be stuck with what you have, but be grateful for it. Next and last topic……Forgiveness (Testimony: Volume 1, Love, Life, and Relationship now playing “Wings of Forgiveness”)
FORGIVENESS
This topic is tough. But I learned the beauty of it between November 2006, and August 2008. Long time huh? But its not that long when you spend it resenting someone, and in reality yourself. And honestly, the above mentioned song, jumped off the whole process for me. From there it required a lot of studying my bible, venting, and actually being asked for forgiveness to actually be able to do it. It also helped that I needed to be forgiven by someone else as well. So that’s the advice I’ll give on that. If you’re ever in a situation where u find it hard to forgive someone, always remember that you need or may need to be forgiven for something you’ve done as well. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. Never put yourself above anyone else for any reason. As a line in that song goes “If Jesus can forgive crucifixion, surely we can survive and find a resolution”. Now if Jesus can forgive what happened to him…….don't make me preach now. Lol
Well I’m tired of typing, and I’m sure you’re tired of reading if you haven't quit already, lol so I’ll end this note here. Please feel free to leave comments and feedback and thanks for reading.
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