Off Track

I've heard the your thirties are the best years of your life. You're established in your career, strong friendships, and you have money to travel and/or provide stability for your family. Not for me.

My thirties have been a whirlwind, especially this past year. I like to call this chapter of my life...Growing Pains. Prior to April 2017, I was making the most money I have ever made. I was VERY comfortable. Things were going almost exactly how I thought they should be going at this point in my life. I bought I home that I love, upgraded my Camry (lol), and was able to travel wherever I pleased without ever having to check my bank account. I even had a lil tenderoni to serve his purpose. But I got comfortable. Too comfortable. I thought the good feelings would last forever. I admit that I like things done my way and I have a huge problem with authority. These are all things that I am very much aware of, and things that I have sought out counseling for, I am not embarrassed to say so. So to no surprise, the job (and the tenderoni) went way. I won't elaborate on the details, but since that time I have done some self reflecting. Why am I this way? Why can't I stop this self destructive behavior? These are problems that I must find solutions to in order to stop this vicious cycle. I have always been very self aware and I try my best to be honest about my feelings so it's easy for me to admit my flaws. That may be one of my strengths in friendships. I can offer advice from a very honest perspective using my mistakes or lessons I've learned. It's also the reason why I have now realized that I need professional help to resolve them as well.

I bet you're wondering why I feel comfortable enough to admit that? The answer is simple. There are people who look at my life and think that I have it all together. They may look at my social media posts and envy my social life, my home, the trips I take, and think they are inadequate or missing something. Listen, we ALL have problems. I just want to be one of the few to admit that things aren't always what they seem. I do love my life and the lifestyle that I have created for myself, but the road to get here was not a straight path, and as I just admitted, its still a bit rocky. I just make the best of it by being honest with myself and taking the needed steps to be a better person. God told me a long time ago, I remember the day He spoke to me, that I was put on this earth to be a giver. I didn't like it and for the longest time I fought it by being selfish with my time, energy, and money. But as I matured, I realized that until I accepted it, I would not prosper. This post is apart of that. I do not believe that He puts us through certain situations to keep the outcome to ourselves. We must share them with others and whomever needs it, will receive it.

When I was 15, my mother became ill. She had health problems from the time I was 8 due to a car accident, but was able to maintain until that time. When she became ill, I became the adult of the house. I was responsible for making sure the bills were paid, buying groceries, toiletries, etc. My first job, I was responsible for helping to pay the bills, while all my friends were using their money for fast good, underage drinking, and luxurious trips to Little Rock. I didn't understand it. Why did I have to be an adult at such a young age. It was hard. Very hard. In fact I started to act out. I would go off on teachers, get into fights, all the things that hurt kids do. But now as a 34 year old woman who is 100% on top of her business, I get it now. I had to go through that in order to be who I am now, and to teach "my kids" and some friends how to handle theirs. And I know that was the purpose of going through that because teeanagers actually listen to me. Where they do that at?! lol But seriously, it's all about the lessons. And here's one for you: Be careful of being envious of people's lives. You never know what they had to go through to get where they are.

So as I mentioned in the beginning, this past year has been ROUGH! I am now working a job that I *insert politically correct term for hate*, my finances are not where I want them to be, my love life is pathetic (topic for another blog, coming soon), and I just feel like everything is off track. But the other day, something (God) told me to reach out to my cousin. And she told me exactly what I needed to hear. She told me that my life was exactly where it was supposed to be. That I had to let go of the idea that my life was supposed to follow this set path, and that I was meant to create my own. That my life was not meant to look like anyone elses and to trust the process. And although I've heard something similar before, I received it this time. And when I truly think about it, I wouldn't trade lives with anyone else. Not even Oprah (have you read her story, chile please). Also, we aren't all meant for the lives we think we want. When I think about the patience and wherewithal it takes to be Oprah, I just don't have it! And that's ok because I'll have exactly what I need to handle the life that is meant for me. That may not come easy. It may come with some hard lessons and that too is ok. Because while going through it, just remember This Too Shall Pass. Keep going.


Love,


Amber

The Misconception of Strength

"You're so strong!" "You'll be ok, you always bounce back." "A man is going to have to be on his ish to be with you!" "I'm not strong like you". These are all statements that I loathe, but are said to me quite often, and all are a misconception of strength.

I've been "adulting" since I was 15 years old. When my mother got sick and could no longer work, I started paying bills with my first job. I learned very quickly that if I wanted anything in life, that I would have to work hard to get it. It was also around this age when I realized that working for someone else was never going to be something that I could do for the rest of my life, but that may be a topic for another day....

I've had male friends as well as guys I've dated tell me that it's going to take a special kind of man to be with me. Why? Because I'm self sufficient? Taking care of myself shouldn't make me unattainable. It definitely doesn't mean that I don't need or can't submit to a man.

I'm starting to look at being called strong the way I look at being called an independent woman. I hate that statement because......what choice do I have? If I don't look out for me, if I don't make sure things get done in my life, who will?

Truth is, I know I'm a strong person, I don't have much of a choice. But I often times feel weak and too emotional. The guard that I've built up gives a sense of control and makes me feel safe from being let down. This is not something that I necessarily like to admit, but its the truth. This is a problem when it comes to romantic relationships. I have never seen first hand how a functioning relationship looks, so I'm not sure what I'm "supposed" to do to make a man FEEL wanted or needed. I feel that me simply wanting and needing you should be enough, but apparently its not. I've had guys that I was madly in love with tell me that "I just didn't think you cared". What?! So here goes my guard telling me, oh he's just using that as a cop out. He didn't want to commit so he's making you the problem. But what if this strength that I've grown to have prevents me from showing true emotion? Some (maybe even most?) of the time I was probably right, but again, another topic for another day.....

I'm an alpha female by nature. Couple that with the wall life has forced me to build and you get a woman that's 33, ambitious, compassionate, direct......and single. lol Nature and circumstance have made me into the person I am and I'd be remiss if I didn't say that I love my life. I have the freedom and will to do absolutely anything that I even think I want to do. I'm not afraid to step out on faith, try new things, visit a different country alone, dine out alone, or anything else people have said they admired about me. It's just who I am. I grew up with just my mother (my brother is 12 years my senior and was off to college when I started Kindergarten), and she worked nights so I have spent the majority of my life enjoying my own company. Fortunately it made me into a person who's own company I truly enjoy. Matter of fact I have to limit prolonged interactions with people and I avoid large crowds whenever possible. Because of this, loneliness is not something I struggle with too much. It does occur, especially after the passing of my mother. Something about her leaving this earth left a void that I can only liken to loneliness. Believe it or not, I never really seriously considered marriage until she was gone. I have always entertained the idea of it, but I never seriously thought about sharing my life and space with another person (forever?!) until then. (I also just broke out in a lil sweat as I typed that. lol)

As you can see I'm kind of all over the place about life as I know it. On one hand, I'm completely satisfied, on another I want (maybe even need) companionship, and thirdly it doesn't matter because either way, I'm just gonna keep it moving. See strength is a tricky thing. Its a struggle between what society says I should want, what's right in front of me, and accepting life as it comes, which is the most beautiful of them all because its gonna happen regardless of the other two. You just have to let go of what you THINK you want, what other people think your life should look like, and know that everything will work out as it was meant. THAT is strength. And accepting that is how you build strength.

Mourning

8:26am on September 16, 2014. By far the worse day of my life. It was the day that every person dreads and/or refuses to consider. It was the day that I lost my #1 fan, supporter, encourager, and friend. It was the day that I lost my mother.

I was in Riviera Maya Mexico from September 11-15 2014. I called my mom on September 11 while in Miami for a layover to tell her that I was on my way and that I would talk to her when I got back on the 15th. I told her that my phone was not going to be on due to international rates, but that I would email my friend Val and have Val to call her and let her know I made it. She asked me to remind her where I was going again, then said "By yourself?!" I informed her of how safe the resort was and how I had researched it to ensure that it was a good place for a solo female traveler. She seemed assured that I was making a good decision and changed the subject to something else. We talked about her boyfriend for a second, then I changed the subject. lol Before we hung up, she told me that she loved me, and I told her the same. Our last conversation lasted 00:01:32. Had I known it would be our last......

I got back to the States around 9pm on September 15. My layover was in Dallas, but I didn't call her initially. I was going to wait until I got back to Nashville because if she was sleep, she would stay up and sit by the phone until she heard from me. Instead, I called a few friends and chatted until the plane boarded. I landed in Nashville around 11:30pm and called her as soon as the plane hit the tarmac. The phone rang and rang. Eventually, it went to voicemail. I figured she had fallen asleep and would call me once she woke up. A bit unusual when she knew I was coming back from a trip, but I didn't think much of it. I went out and met a few friends for drinks and to tell them about my trip, not thinking anything about the fact that my mom still hadn't called back. I got home around 2am and prepared to unpack and catch up on my TV shows that I missed while on vacation. I finally went to sleep around 4am.

My phone rang around 8:15am on September 16, but I didn't even roll over to see who it was. Kind of thought it was my mom, but I said to myself, if its her I'll call her back in a few. A few minutes later it rang again. This time I looked at it and saw that it was my cousin Nikki. I said to myself, I'll call her back when I wake up (Sorry Nikki! lol). But when she called right back, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. She said, "Amber we need you to come home". I asked what was going on, and she repeated it. I again asked her what was wrong. She then said, "Amber. Your mother......she's gone". I blacked out for what seems like forever. Just screaming and throwing sheets, clothes, and whatever else I had in my vicinity. My first thought was, No. I need to hear her voice. NO! I need my mama! I called her home phone and her boyfriend answered and said in a somber voice, "I'm sorry Amber". Then I thought about how when I called her at 11:30 pm she didn't answer because she was already gone. How long had she been there like that? Did she try to call me and I didn't get the call because I was in Mexico and didn't have phone service. What was going through her mind as she laid there on the bathroom floor slipping away? Was she in pain? Did she need me and I wasn't there? Did I fail her? So many thoughts raced through my mind that it left me physically exhausted.

Its been a little over three months since I've laid my mother to rest. It feels as if this emotional roller coaster is finally leveling out a bit. Some moments I'm perfectly fine, smiling at the memory of my mother. Other times, I feel as if I just want to die because it hurts so bad. It took me about two weeks to be able to cook for myself. Cooking was something that we very often shared experiences with. Mostly every day I would call her to remind me of an ingredient that goes into a dish or to ask what cut of meat I should get, etc. It pained me to think that if I made something and needed help that I wouldn't be able to reach her.

People tell me that it will get easier, and I  think it will, but I miss my mama so much. We were very, very close. Had fun together, talked about everything, and I loved her so much. My mom loved me unconditionally. She understood me wholeheartedly. She never judged or held a grudge against me. Whenever something good happened, I never had to question the sincerity of her happiness for me. When I did something stupid, she never made me feel bad, but felt her baby's pain. I could call her when having a terrible day and simply say "hey mama", and she immediately asked "what's wrong baby". How am I supposed to move on when that person is gone? Forget cherishing the memories, I need to make more with her. I need her to show me AGAIN how to fold a fitted sheet. I wanted to learn how to make baskets and bows. I need a little help with making dressing and picking out a good pot roast. I need my mama.

I'm 30 years old, no husband, no kids. This means that if God blesses me with either of these, then I will have to experience them without the only person that I want to share them with. This means no motherly advice, no moving to Nashville to help me, no hugs and kisses to my children from their grandmother. How unfair is that?! I know that my mother was suffering and was in pain. I know that she was tired of the hospital visits and doctors, medicines, and depending on others, and maybe I'm being selfish for wanting her here with me, but I do.

I am learning to forgive myself for not being there for her. For not moving her to Nashville when she told me that she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure earlier in 2014. For not being more supportive in helping her change her eating and smoking habits. For not being there when she needed me. I need to forgive myself for having her lay on that cold bathroom floor for 12-24 hours before anyone knew she was gone. Forgive myself for not even knowing the real time that my mother left this earth. I was supposed to be there holding her hand, letting her know that it was OK. I was supposed to be able to tell her goodbye that that I loved her one last time. I should have told her she was beautiful, because she was. Not a wrinkle in sight. Just a few grey hairs regardless of the stress I caused her as a child. Despite how proud of me she was, there was so much more that I should have done. I have to learn to forgive myself for not doing those things.

I allowed myself this entire time to grieve. To feel every emotion that I need to feel. I have not forced myself to feel any certain way. When I want/need to cry, I do. When I need to feel angry, sad, confused, or whatever, I allow myself that opportunity. I tend to be an emotional eater, so I have allowed myself to be that at this time. Unfortunately it has resulted in a 10 lb weight gain, but I'm finally at the point where I am able to re-direct that urge to workout instead of eating (Thank God). But the important thing is that I let myself do what I felt I needed/wanted to do to cope with my emotions. I have always been told how strong of a person I am. I never realized how true that was until now, even though sometimes I don't feel like it.

2014 was an emotional roller coaster for me. I lost my paternal grandmother in June and my mother in September. Aside from that, it was a pretty awesome year. Things are going great on my job, I launched my side hobby Oh Sew Amber, and connected with some pretty awesome people. Working on my hobby really helped me out during my grieving process as well. I turn on my sewing machine, play the soft rock station on Pandora, and float away. Before I know it, hours have passed and I'm in a good mental space.

I wrote all of this  to help someone who may be going through a loss by sharing what worked for me while coping with loss. I recommend:

1) Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel. Don't try to force emotions. Cry when you need to cry, scream when you feel the urge.

2) Find a healthy outlet. Although I did allow myself to eat like a hog initially, I definitely had to put a time frame on it. Luckily I also have sewing as an outlet. This may be a good time to pick up a hobby if you don't already have one. You'd be surprised how much it helps.

3) Surround yourself around people that will support and encourage you. I am blessed with an AMAZING group of family and friends that were there for me even when I didn't want anyone there. On the day I got the news, I called everyone whose voice would provide comfort to me. Some I hadn't spoken to in a while, but I just needed to hear their voices. Folks will understand.

4) Don't blame yourself. Dealing with the fact that I was laid out on the beach while my mother passed into eternity weighed heavily on me. "I should have been there" was all I could think. It took my cousin to tell me the story of losing her son to grasp the concept of "God's timing". She told me how she sat by his side constantly. Never went anywhere for long periods of time. She said that the one time she decided to leave the house, running to the store to pick up a few items, was when he passed. She told me that it was just his time and that there was nothing she could've done to stop it.

5) But certainly not least, PRAY! Talk to your higher power and say whatever it is you need to say. Just don't neglect to be grateful for having that person in your life and for them leaving the impression that they did in your life. The prayers of others are powerful as well. I honestly believe that the prayers of others are what got me through the first week, because I didn't start praying for myself until the second week after I actually wrapped my mind around everything.

Hope this helps someone. I don't wish the pain of losing a close loved one on anybody, but it happens and we do have to find a way to get through it.

Tis The Season To Not Be Jolly With My Money

Its the holiday season and everyone is out shopping buying gifts for their family and loved ones. Everyone except me! lol I decided to write about it because of the crazy looks I get when I'm asked if I'm done with my Christmas shopping and my response is "I don't buy Christmas gifts". I just thought I'd explain my point of view and gather some opinions from others.

I decided a few years ago that I would no longer buy or accept Christmas gifts, or gifts for any other commercialized holiday (Valentines, Mothers Day, etc). Other than it being pointless (in my opinion), it puts a lot of pressure on people to buy things that they may can not afford and I would get sad after hearing about all the suicides that occurred because people couldn't afford to buy gifts for their kids. Tonight I saw a heartwarming story on the news. A family was having a hard time after the parents were injured in an accident. Some guy saw the story and decided to help. He bought them a new car along with cash and gift cards. They said that they would use the money to buy Christmas gifts for their kids. WHY?! You're out of work and you're buying gifts? Shouldn't that money go towards living expenses and other necessities? I don't get it. Now I don't have children so I won't say that the parents should teach their children the true meaning of Christmas or the holiday season in general, and that those children should be made to understand the blessing that they received from the stranger. Oh did I just say it? hahaha The kids were pre-teens by the way. Its about time for them to know the truth anyway right?

Now I do believe in God.. And regardless of whether its actually Jesus' birthday or not, its a time we should set aside and give thanks for our salvation. I think the holiday season is great for spending time with your family since its the only time a lot of people get to visit with their loved ones. Its also a great time to just have some time off and reflect on the ending year and prepare for the next. So should this joyous time be sabotaged by the selfishness of receiving gifts, unappreciative kids, and depression of families who spent way too much money on things that will be destroyed or tossed away within a few months? Its just ridiculous.

Now don't get me wrong, I know that this will NEVER change (or even that it should), I'm just expressing my opinion on the matter. Of course as a child, there was no greater feeling than writing out my Christmas list, sneaking under the Christmas tree with my brother and trying to figure out what was in the boxes with our names on it, and waking up early Christmas morning to open my presents. I plan to do the same with my children when the time comes. But I refuse to be pressured by these big companies to buy things that they won't need or will even want a week after Christmas. The commercialized holidays are such a tragedy. I don't need a specified day of the year to show anyone that I care about them. If you're really loved, it'll be shown. But maybe I'm just a Scrooge. Maybe I'm just a tight wad. Whomp whomp.

God, Church, Saints, and Aints

This blog is speaking from my point of view only. I am in no way attempting to express the opinions of any person or group of people. 

I was raised in a Baptist church. I was very involved in church activities and it helped build the foundation for who I am and what I believe today. It was a great experience. My church members have been like family to me. My church members helped me get my first jobs, scholarships, wrote recommendation letters for me, pulled me to the side and told me I was wrong about whatever and helped me get it together...the list goes on. What I'm saying is that church is a community, an extension of your family. Its like a refuge for those in need a loving place. Its by no means a place where only "perfect" people or only people without sin/error can congregate to worship with one another. Its all inclusive. I remember when I was younger, the neighborhood drunk would stop in for prayer....dirty, smelling like alcohol and all, but we would still allow him the opportunity to stand before the congregation, give his testimony and pray for him. Knowing that he was going to go back out there in the streets and continue doing the same things. But when he was in that church, his safe place, none of that mattered. That's what church is about. THAT is why we (I) go to church.

My religious views are changing. I'm not really into the whole denominational thing anymore. I feel as if it divides God's people and creates more separation than unity.I know that the structure of church has changed quite a bit from my younger days. I honestly stopped going to church for a while  because I absolutely hate the judgmental nature of most "church folks" now. But at the end of the day, you have to block all that out and go get what you're in need of. You just have to find a place that you can have that feeling. The feeling that all is right in your world....that you are safe from the pressures and pain of the world. That place is out there for you. There are sooo many churches, but there is a place for everyone. Don't get caught up in religion, focus on Him and find a place for you. Just remember that God is not necessarily only in church, but He lives in us. Your "place" may be a Catholic church, Buddhist temple, Kingdom Hall, wherever... just  find what is best for you. I wrote this about God, because that is who I believe in. You cant make me believe that only one group of those people out of all the beliefs in this world are "living right". lol But I am a firm believer that you have to believe in something. You have to know that someone or something out there is working on your behalf in this world.

I've heard non church goers claim that "church folks act holy on Sunday, but do the sames things as me Mon-Sat". This may be true (for some or most), but the feeling that you get during those two hours.....WHEW! Going to church and hearing the word is like a reset. You feel as if all the wrong you've done in that week (month, quarter, year, whatever) has been erased and you get a clean start. You get the reminder that there is still a God (or someone out there) that loves you and cares for you no matter who on this earth has broken your heart. Those two hours can change the direction on how the remainder of your week will go. In those two hours, nothing outside those walls matter. I've experienced being in church, holding hands, singing, and having fellowship with people that I otherwise would probably never even talk to. Matter of fact, once we left the church we probably wouldn't have any further interaction, but during those two hours, we were family. This may not make any sense to some of you. But until you've experience the power of God for yourself, it never will. Its also true that some people don't even go to church for God. It may be just to retreat from the world, it may be to see what all the hype is about. It may even be to take a selfie and front like its their thing. lol Who cares? The point is that whatever your reason for getting there, you're there! There have been times when I didn't feel like going and only went because I told someone I would meet them there. But when I arrived, the Word I received changed my life, mood, or outlook....whether it was permanently or until I left to go home. 

I know some people are going to always be against church. That's fine if its not your thing, but we all need something. We all need that place of refuge....we all need to believe in something. Just make sure that you don't allow your disdain for the church to keep you from finding your healing place. Its so important for our mental, physical, and spiritual health. On a closing note, have you ever noticed that those who are against spirituality/church, are some of the most hurt and angry people you've ever encountered? There's a reason for that. That's why I believe that spiritual reset is so important. 

I hope I didn't step on any toes. This is just something that has been on my mind for a while so I decided to write about it. These are MY feelings. Not to discredit anyone else's. Thanks for understanding that. 

Saying What I Said I Wasn't Going To Say

I said that I wasn't going to say anything about the Zimmerman trial/Trayvon Martin, but then I ran across a picture of the body after he was shot. Something about it made me change my whole mind frame about the different scenarios I thought could have happened the night of Feb 26, 2012. These were mostly private thoughts using a realistic viewpoint of what could have possibly happened....trying to put myself in both of their shoes.

Being Zimmerman you want your neighborhood to be safe. There have been some break-ins and you see an unfamiliar black face walking around in the rain. Would I be suspicious? Yes! Would I get out of my car and follow him? No! I would report the "suspicious activity", asked for a patrol car, and if something was to happen that night, have comfort in knowing that the police have a proper description of a suspect. Then I would have went home and kept my heat on me in case anyone decided to come into my home/property.

Being Martin I have the right to be wherever I want to be wearing what I want to wear. That shouldn't make me a target. But if you do find me suspicious, you will NOT follow me and/or confront me asking me questions about why I'm in your neighborhood. That would make me angry and I would probably swing on you. I run to get away from you initially and you come find me? Oh, yeah we have a problem. Does that make it ok? No, but neither is the fact that you're following me because you want to be top flight security of the world. At this point I'm just as, if not more, suspicious of you than you are of me. Only difference is, you've actually given me a reason to be.

I can understand both viewpoints, but in the end, I can't wrap my mind around how this man was found not guilty. It just isn't right. I admit that I'm no law scholar, but I have faith in the justice system when it operates properly and according to the written law. But it didn't work this time. It failed....horribly. I read somewhere that the jury was comprised of some mothers, but instead of feeling the need to protect Martin, their instincts were to protect Zimmerman. Makes perfect sense to me. Martin was left in the cold yet again. Even seemed to be put on trial for his own murder. smh

I tried to ignore a lot of the comments, videos, and even the trial itself, because I really didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with the anger that I feel now, I didn't want to deal with the racism that is still very much alive, I didn't want to deal with how the media chooses cases like this to ignite firestorms, but ignore so many other issues and topics in which we need to be informed, and I didn't want to deal with how most blacks want to crucify "the man" for killing us, but choose not to address the HUGE issue of black on black crime and other issues facing our community caused by our community. But here I am stating my opinion and viewpoint.

Seeing Trayvon's body angered me so much. Nothing about that boy said thug or burglar. He looked like he could have just left school and was on his way home. It was 7pm. The time when most people are getting home and settled in, not the prime time to be concerned about a break in ideally. He had a frightened look on his face. He was slim, had a clean shaven face, low haircut, his pants were pulled up, none of the things that would strike you as suspicious or thuggish. It pissed me off. I finally got angry. But am I going out to protest or sign any petitions? No. I'm not. Not saying anything is wrong with people who choose to, but I'm just being honest. That's just not my avenue of dealing.

I'm a huge advocate of putting up or shutting up. I believe that "if you wanna reach the nation you have got to start from your corner". I take an active part in making a difference. I do so not to brag about it, but because I feel that I have that responsibility. It really is messed up how black men are viewed in society. I hate the stereotypes, but if you remove the emotion out of it, you can see how it has been earned. I'm more afraid of a black neighborhood in Pine Bluff or Chicago than I am of Sanford, FL. That's just an honest truth. So after this movement is over and done and Trayvon Martin becomes a forgotten name, what will you do? It takes more than a tweet, a Facebook post, and blacking out an avatar. We have got to actually do something. Its way past the time to get uncomfortable. Talk to some kids that you're around. Share life stories with them. Prepare them for this cold hard world that awaits them. Teach a young man how to tie a tie, open the door for a lady, and the importance of forming a proper sentence. Show a young lady that a single dress should not be worn for the club and church, that she should speak when she walks into a room, show her how to take care of her body with proper hygiene. Making a difference doesn't have to cost anything, but it does require giving a damn.

Let us all say a prayer today. Let's pray for all broken hearts, the lost, and lets pray that we fulfill the purpose that God has for each of us. Peace.

Old Facebook Post

Ok, its been a while since I’ve gotten deep folks, so here it is….another note. Most of these thoughts are random….some would call me a blogger, but facebook is the only site I visit daily and there is no blog section on here, so notes it is.

As I write this note with India.Arie “Testimony: Volume 2, Love and Politics” playing on my new laptop :D I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. So I’ve decided to break it down into categories. Lets start with America’s favorite topic (and since “Chocolate High” is playing)…….RELATIONSHIPS

RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve been contemplating the idea of being in a serious relationship, but I have decided that I’m not “together” enough right now for all that, BUT if I were, what would I look for. I have learned that it is important to be able to answer the question, “What are you looking for in a man”. Mainly because you have to know what you want, or what you expect from a guy. Of course we know what we DON’T want, but its just as important to know what we DO want, and its not as simple as just saying, it’s the opposite of what we don’t want. For example, I know I don’t want a liar (compulsive or not), but I definitely know that I will not find someone who doesn’t lie at all. SO, its fair to say that I want someone who is honest, and considerate. Give me the option of knowing the truth and making my own decision.
Another topic I think a lot about as far as relationships go is roles. I know plenty of men who have their minds made up of what they think a woman should/should not do in the relationship. Most say, cook, keep the house clean, sex on demand lol, etc. The same goes for women. Most think the man should, be the sole provider, pay for the meals, and whatever else. Ok, first of all, if you are in a SERIOUS relationship, the bible outlines the roles the man and woman play in a relationship/marriage. Now, if you are just “talking” there’s no need for you to be even worried about all that right now. Cause you know how we do, we’ll be with a dude forever, have kids, live together and everything thing and still say “Girl, we just talking right now” lmao. But seriously, the roles are outlined in the bible. I’m not a bible scholar or preacher, so I’ll leave that up to you to read it for yourself, but for future reference, if you ever wonder what you are supposed to do, its in there. I’ve read it, and I really don’t know if I’m grown enough for all that yet. Lol Ok, that's enough about that. I could go on, but there are a few more topics to cover. Next topic (since “Better Way”) is playing …..POLITICS

POLITICS

Well, well, well. Here it is. A brand new year, and after all the ignorant (black, white, and ESPECIALLY Republican) people in America thought that on January 20, 2009 all the problems of the world were supposed to disappear just because the new president was black…umm, looks about the same to me! People, I tried to tell ya’ll in my last note, that this was not gonna be easy. This is going to take a while to clean up, years and years to be exact, and its only going to be worse because you have people like Rush Limbaugh, who is a significant influence in the republican party, who are hoping that the Obama administration fails. As if this recession has not taken a toll on their pockets as well. I don’t care how rich you are, you have to feel some kind of loss right now. If not for yourself, for others. If not, then you have no business in any kind of leadership position in this country. Maybe u need to just preside over your yacht club and call it a day. Cause I don’t need you in my government. For real. All I can say is that we have to stay prayed up. That’s all I know to do, and I suggest you do the same. End of that topic. Next up….Contentment (“Grains” interludes playing)

CONTENTMENT

This is a topic that I’ve been wrestling with lately. But I think I’m getting it. I can not tell you how to conquer it, but this may help.
Oh god, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things that I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things that I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.
In life, we may have something, but we always want more. Which is a good thing, never settle for less than what you deserve, but there comes a time when you have to just enjoy what you have and be content with it. Everybody cant be rich, everybody cant be poor. We all cant own homes, but we all cant be homeless, we all cant drive a Lexus, but we all cant ride a bike. Lol Think about it, If we were all rich, we would take wealth for granted even more than we do now. If we all owned homes, who would make the money in real estate? If we all drove a Lexus, how would GM and Toyota survive? Lol I mean it sounds funny, but think about it. Bottom line, be grateful for what you have, even if you want more. You never know what the future holds. You may get more, but then again, you may just be stuck with what you have, but be grateful for it. Next and last topic……Forgiveness (Testimony: Volume 1, Love, Life, and Relationship now playing “Wings of Forgiveness”)

FORGIVENESS

This topic is tough. But I learned the beauty of it between November 2006, and August 2008. Long time huh? But its not that long when you spend it resenting someone, and in reality yourself. And honestly, the above mentioned song, jumped off the whole process for me. From there it required a lot of studying my bible, venting, and actually being asked for forgiveness to actually be able to do it. It also helped that I needed to be forgiven by someone else as well. So that’s the advice I’ll give on that. If you’re ever in a situation where u find it hard to forgive someone, always remember that you need or may need to be forgiven for something you’ve done as well. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. Never put yourself above anyone else for any reason. As a line in that song goes “If Jesus can forgive crucifixion, surely we can survive and find a resolution”. Now if Jesus can forgive what happened to him…….don't make me preach now. Lol

Well I’m tired of typing, and I’m sure you’re tired of reading if you haven't quit already, lol so I’ll end this note here. Please feel free to leave comments and feedback and thanks for reading.

A Talk With my 18 Year Old Self

As my 10 year high school reunion quickly approaches, I've been thinking back to that time, 10 years ago when I was preparing to graduate from high school and go to college. Like most people who lived in Pine Bluff, and were going to UAPB, I thought that I would do a semester or two there, and then transfer to a "better" school. lol But I'm so glad that I was wrong about that. I met some of the most beautiful people while in college and formed some everlasting bonds that are very close to my heart. But there is so much that I wish I knew then, that I know now. I didn't have sisters that I was close with to kind of show me certain things, and although I have a GREAT mother, there are some things that she just didn't get to experience at my age to tell me about. So I just kind of did things my way. I am a very logical and responsible person, so I had a pretty smooth transition from high school to college, but there are some things that I wish I had someone tell me during that time. So here's some advice that my 18 year old self needed to hear.

1. Slow down You don't have to attend every event on campus. There are going to be people that notice you, but give them a chance to miss you. Don't be one of those people that are everywhere. It may not seem like it, but you will be noticed more when you aren't always around.

2. Pay attention Watch people that you admire. Don't stalk them (lol) but pay attention to the qualities that you admire most about them, and mimic them in your own way. You think this teacher is well respected? Why is that? This will help you build character and will become very beneficial once you enter the real world.

3. Network Get involved in more student organizations/events that will allow you exposure to working and hiring professionals. This is especially important in your area of concentration. This will help you to build confidence when speaking to those hiring managers in the future. Believe it or not, it will help get rid of those interview jitters! Another important aspect of networking is finding a group of people to hang with that share your interests. College will be one of the last places where you are surrounded by people with as many common interests as you. Take advantage of it!

4. Shut Up and Listen In class instead of facebooking and texting, listen to the professors and class discussions. Some of the most valuable information that you will receive will come from listening to the shared experiences of teachers and students. Not all class conversations will be related to the subject. Professors' "real world' experiences will help you more than you realize.

5. Let the Boys Be Boys College is the time for exploration. Not many are trying to be in monogamous relationships or be completely committed to anyone, which is OK. This is the best time for you to find out what it is you want (and DON'T want) so that you can make better choices in choosing a mate, as well as, what you will and won't settle for in the future. Don't get too caught up in appearances and reputations, for that is meaningless when it comes to what will best suit you when its time for a relationship. Also, hold out on giving up the cookie. That brings in complicated feelings that change situations from what they could be if sex is withheld. If he cant wait, GOOD, he just saved you a headache! College is the best place to meet a potential husband. Don't waste time on people who don't deserve it!

This is just a short list of some things I could think of at the moment. What are some things that you would tell your 17/18 year old self? It may be too late for us, but we can always help a real life 18 year old and guide them along the way. I have 18 year old twin nieces that I talk to all the time about things that they will experience....I just hope they listen.

Successfully Unsuccessful

While trolling around on Facebook, I saw a post about why successful men are, or choose to remain single. After watching the video and reading the comments from the men, I began to think, what defines being successful? And does success in life necessarily qualify you to be successful in relationships?

In my opinion, people put too much praise on "success". What qualifies as being successful? As a woman, I can (and I actually do) have the degrees, good job, home, etc but what does that mean if I cant make a man WANT to stay around? In reality, the only way to define my success as far as relationships go, is my track record of maintaining a good one. The same goes for a man. Who cares about your education, money and the fact that you don't have kids if your personality is garbage and no woman can stand to be around you?

I read some comments from men that pretty much said that because they are successful in life (degree, no kids, preferable debt to income ratio, etc) that they are in an elite group of superhuman individuals that are too good for love and that women should go above and beyond the realm of what is humanly possible to get his attention. Its absurd. Wait.....let me back up. I honestly don't feel that MOST men feel this way, but that group does exist and this needs to be addressed dammit! If you watch the video that I've posted, you may get a better idea of what I'm trying to express here. One guy even goes as far as to say that he's on a higher shelf because he doesn't have the flaws that another guy may have. Huh? The fact that you said that made the next guy just a little more attractive. I personally cant stand a cocky, arrogant man. I understand its a struggle to be humble at times when you KNOW that you're shitting on the competition, but everyone must realize that arrogance is not very attractive. Especially when there's no personality to match. Ugh. Disgusting.

I used to think that because I brought so much to the table that I didn't have to work as hard to be considered a "good" woman. I figured that once he saw what all I had going, that I was in there. Wrong! I had to realize that no one would want to marry me because of my degrees, or job, or deed, but that I would have to show them a WOMAN! You can look real good on paper, and never get someone to like you because You have nothing in the form of attractive human traits to offer. Why do you think so many "accomplished" women get snatched up by street dudes or bad boys, or whatever you like to call them? He may not have the Fortune 500 job, he may have a kid or two, but he treats her like a woman, makes her feel good, and probably isn't boring her to death.

Now don't get me wrong, once you get to a point in life where you've reached a majority of your goals and have attained the things that you want in life on your own, and you begin to search for a mate, its natural to opt for someone who has reached a similar level of......."success". But its important to keep an open mind and to be realistic when dealing with people. Its a struggle, trust me I know, but its hard to match up with someone who's tit for tat with you. And if you do meet someone 'on your level', doesn't mean that it will automatically work. Point is, there is no formula for a happy life. You just gotta go through the trial and error and try not to let the bad experiences make you bitter or hold a grudge. You will be hurt, your feelings will be out there, but there is no reward without risk!

Here is the link to the video that sparked my thoughts :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ9u7qdK4Xo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The video has been removed. 

You Are What You Deal With

This post is half dating, half self perception, please discern the half that applies to you.

We've all had the experience of dealing with someone who doesn't quite deserve us. Whether its in an intimate relationship, a friendship, co-workers/bosses, etc. But where do we draw the line? Is the pain of letting go, really as bad as the pain of dealing with the situation? Does it take that strong of a person to let it go, or does it take being completely fed up to leave?

From my personal experience, I usually let go once I'm completely fed up. Sometimes it takes a few months, sometimes it takes years. Of course, your attachment to that person/thing often determines your time frame of when you CAN let go. Sometimes when that emotional attachment is so strong, you can't fight it. I suggest you just keep at it until you absolutely get tired of the mess. BUT remember, that the more you contribute, the more you're gonna be tempted to stick around and wait for your effort to be reciprocated. How many times have you thought, " I've put in so much work and I just want some appreciation." So we stick around and wait.....and wait, and wait, and wait. Next thing you know, years and years have passed and you're still waiting.

One thing that I know for SURE is that when you're truly wanted, you don't wait. You are a priority and anything else that you're told is just a lie to keep their benefits package. I have a few close male friends that I know will keep it real with me, whether it hurts my feelings or not. I also know that they know me very well as well as my worth, so I trust their opinions. What I've learned from them is that a man can fake it til he makes it. Men are not as emotionally attached to us as we are to them, (I'm talking during the dating phase, or usually the phase where the relationship status hasn't been fully established. Don't know if you're in this stage? If someone asks you if you're single and you have to think about it, this is you. lol (#NoBeef) so the little things that we do that we think shows our affection and devotion, most men don't notice. Now there are exceptions. One being that he is REALLY into you and notices and appreciates everything. When you have that, you know it. But let's be honest, it usually takes a while to get a man to that point, and with the woman to man ratio being so high, competition is fierce, and some of these women are ruthless and unstoppable when it comes to seducing and reeling in a man! Secondly, it depends on the maturity level of the guy. I mean really, if he isn't established in his life, he probably isn't ready to settle down. Sometimes we feel as if we can coerce a man to be with us if we show our "ride or die" qualities or try to help him through his l il storm. Nope! All that does is give him someone he can depend on, nothing more, nothing less. It wont make him think "Damn this girl is really down for me, I'm going to marry her when I get myself together". Although that's what a lot of us think, it doesn't always work that way. When a man wants you, you wont have to guess or do anything to "make" him see that you're that one and only, he'll show you!

Now all of this is just from my personal experiences, conversations, and observations. I don't claim to know it all, but I know what I've been through and I know that the outcomes seldom change. There are some good men out there that want to settle down and be providers who aren't quite able to for whatever reason, be it, career instability, financial reasons, etc, that could use that extra push to get it together. But, what I want people, especially women, because that's who does this more often, to understand is that, helping a man doesn't entitle you to anything except a "THANK YOU". Not a ring, not a commitment, not a house, none of that. If you (men and women) want to be there for someone, do it from the kindness of your heart, not because you expect something in return. Whether that something is a relationship, a YOM (you owe me), or whatever, make sure you're doing it for the right reason. If you KNOW that you're only helping someone because you want them to owe you, do them and yourself a favor and DON'T. I'd rather struggle than have someone help me who is only doing it so that I will own them later. Another thing, if you have those kind of tit for tat relationships in your life, you may need to do some evaluating. Personally, I don't want friends like that. Do you? Then why in the hell would someone marry your ulterior motive having ass? LOL You are what you deal with!

What are your opinions on this?

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Spend Too Much Money On....

I was supposed to have this post done earlier this week, but the pressures of work, life, and laziness were overwhelming. Sorry.

Explanation of Findings


The loan repayment programs that I found were mostly for government workers, non-profit organizations, and educators. Although the majority of the programs are workers within these fields (mainly due to the lower salaries paid within these areas), make sure that your current employer doesn't offer education assistance or loan repayment programs. Contact your HR or benefits representative for that information.

Public Service Loan Forgiveness (PSLF)

This program is available to anyone who works in a "public service" job. This could be a government agency (including local, state, and federal govt, military, public schools, etc), a 501(c)(3) non profit organization (501(c)(3) identifies tax exempt non-profit org), Peace Corps, and Ameri Corps. You must be employed full-time (average of 30 hours per week), regardless of your position within these organizations.

• Qualifying Loans and Repayment Conditions 

You must have Federal Direct Loans to qualify for this program. These loans include Federal Stafford, GRAD Plus, etc. FFEL and Perkins Loans are not eligible UNLESS you consolidate them in Direct Consolidation Loans. If you are unsure about the types of loans that you have, contact your loan servicer. In order for your loans to be forgiven, you have to make 120, on-time monthly payments. That's 10 years. The payments are counted from October 1, 2007. You must maintain employment in these areas during that time. At the present time, the Department of Education is developing an application to the program, but in the meantime, keep accurate records of your employment dates and payments so that you can received proper credit. I have personally called and verified all of the information I have provided, but please research for yourself. I have provided links below.

There are also two conditions in which the Department of Education will allow you to participate if you do not meet this criteria (I copied this directly from the Department of Education's website):

1) your employer is not "a business organized for profit, a labor union, a partisan political organization, or a non-profit organization engaged in religious instruction, worship services, or any form of proselytizing;"


2) your employer provides any of the following public services: emergency management; military service; public safety; law enforcement; public interest law services; early childhood education; public service for individuals with disabilities and the elderly; public health; public education; public library services; and school library or other school-based services.


Helpful Hints

• If you qualify for this program and would like to take advantage, but can't afford the monthly payments, consider Income-Based Repayment (IBR). This has been around since 2009, and bases your payments from your monthly income. It can be used with pretty much any type of loan EXCEPT Parent Plus loans. Payments are usually less than 10% of your income. 
• Consolidation Consolidation combines several loans that you may have with different services into one payment, but BE CAREFUL!!!! I was looking to consolidate my undergrad and graduate school loans, but learned that my undergrad loans had a lower interest rate, and if I consolidated, it would go up by 4%! I'm in the process of learning how I can keep my low interest rate, not sure if I will be able to, but I will pass along any info that I find. 
• Of course this program is for those who would normally have loans that require repayment past 10 years. If your debt is not that much, just work out a plan with your servicer. I have learned that as long as you make some type of repayment attempts, they are more likely to work with you. Imagine the people who have made up their minds that they WILL NOT EVER pay back their loans. lol I'm sure its refreshing to them when people actually make the effort. 
• Being debt free is one of my goals in life. If I can rid of them by the time I'm 38, I think that's great! Although, my debt is not as great as a lot of folk's, I still would like to pay them off. By using this information I have provided to you, I took my 50,000 debt and squeezed it into $178 a month. 

There are even more programs available to teachers, but since I'm not an educator, I didn't spend any time researching it. But make sure that you do if you are in that field.


Hope this information helps! If not.......*insert rude comment*

That girl LOVE saving money!

I have a reputation amongst my family and close friends as being a very "frugal" person. They call me cheap, but they don't know very much. LMAO jkjkjkjk But I thought I would share some of my money saving tips with everyone. Some are pretty common, but I added them nonetheless. Enjoy!

1. Budget For me, I add up all of my bills and subtract the total from my monthly income. Starting with income, I take a certain amount from each check and have it deposited into my savings account. The longer it sits, the more interest it earns. Then I have a certain amount taken out for 401k. These are also ways to save....but for the future! After those two are subtracted, I use the new total as my income amount.
      Bills. I add the cost of gas and I budget for groceries to be deducted as "bills". Add everything that you buy frequently. So here's a sample list.

mortgage/rent
lights
water
phone
internet
insurance
gas
credit card
student loans
groceries
toiletries
pampers
day care
car note, etc.

As a rule of thumb, try to have enough money in your account to cover at least 3 full months of expenses in case of hard times. If you subtract your expenses and you are in the negative or close to 0, you may be living above your means. Get it together please.

2. Coupons and Apps This one is pretty common. But did you know that your favorite store may offer special coupons and savings through mobile apps? I frequent Kroger and their app is awesome! You can download coupons right onto your Plus card and just swipe it during checkout to apply the savings. Also, make sure your address is current on your Kroger plus and other rewards cards. I get coupons in the mail all the time for free merchandise. Good stuff too. Like Free gallons of Tropicana orange juice, free Ben and Jerry's, free eggs,etc. Yeah, I know! LOL

3. Receipts Read those receipts! Not only to ensure that you didn't get got, but also to see if you can take a survey for free food/merchandise. Look at the back of your receipts as well. There could be coupons for other stores. For example, Buffalo Wild Wings offers 6 free wings after taking a short survey. Burger Kings offers a free Whopper or Chicken Sandwich with the purchase of small fries and a drink for taking their survey. These savings can come in handy when on the go as a lot of us are.

4. Scissors OK, this one is kinda sad and I wouldn't let anyone see me do this that I wasn't REAL cool with, lol, but when you get to the last bit of toothpaste, cut the tube open and dig the rest of it out. Use this method with any tubed products. Also, set lotion bottles upside down to make sure you get all of it out. You may not be "frugal" enough to do this step, but whatever, do you boo boo. lmao

5. Use Less! Instead of wrapping a whole roll of tissue around your hand, just pull off what you need. Be conscious of how much you use! Pull off one paper towel at a time. You can always go back to get another one. Don't fill up your cereal bowl with milk, just add enough to cover the cereal. Start being conscious of how much of a product you are using, versus what you really need.

6. Groupon This is like one of my favorite apps on my phone. Not only does it save you money, it gives you a chance to try out new places that you may not know about otherwise. A lot of small business owners use Groupon to get their business' name out there. They offer food, spa, fitness, and any other kind of service you can think of. Deals change daily so check them out!

7. Freeze It! Often times when I make a special recipe, I use ingredients that I don't cook with often. I've learned to chop up those ingredients and freeze them for future use. I cook with onions and bell peppers a lot so whenever I buy them, I automatically chop them up and put them in a freezer bag and freeze them. It not only cuts down on prep time, but it also keep me from throwing out so much food. I also like to look for new and different recipes using those "occasional" ingredients to expand my recipe repertoire, and ensure that those items will be used. Some people also freeze milk and other items that perish quickly. I've never tried it, but I'm sure it works fine. Examples of some of my usual occasional ingredients are green onions, basil, mint, and other fresh herbs to name a few. Some people buy powered herbs, but fresh is sooooo much better! Try it!

This is a short list, and I will add to it as things come to my head. What are some money saving tips that you use?

Being a celebrity....my POV

I'm up, can't sleep and thinking about Whitney. I remember when I was in the 4th grade I wanted her and Mariah Carey to come to my birthday party. I BEGGED my mama to get them there and promised to be good forever. I cried and cried when they didn't come. (I've always been a mysterious one).

Can you imagine that? Having someone you've never met, especially a child cry over you when all you did was share your God given talent to the world? I couldn't imagine the pressure. We never stop to think about the constant stress that celebrities are under. Sure, they're overpaid and some are undeserving of the fame, but they're still human. Humans with the same emotions, egos, and temperaments that us regular folk have.

Imagine this....you show up for work after being awarded the top performer in your region. You are extremely proud of your accomplishment, after all you are excelling in something that you've wanted to do your whole life, or at least something that you've set your mind to do. Then all of a sudden your co-workers are upset with you! They no longer speak or some are trying to defame you by saying that you cheated or just plain don't deserve the recognition. What do you do? Personally, I have been in this situation and I REACTED! I stopped speaking to them too and defending my achievement. I have always excelled in the game of CYA (cover ya azz) and I brought out the documentation proving that I was deserving. When I didn't feel like "faking it" I didn't. I mugged the people who I knew were causing me grief and I wore my feelings on my face. With that being said....it's hard being successful as a "regular" person!

So, imagine if every time you feel like giving one of those "bish I'll stab you" looks to somebody who you know just wants to drag you through the dirt, you'll have paparazzi and media snapping pics in your face and plastering it on the cover of a magazine with a headline like "Amber says she hates all of her fans and they're all demons". lol And everytime you try to justify or explain your actions, it just gets worse. You can no longer creep with your boo or date more than one person without it being in the news.  Then you have to smile and grin and pretend like everything is OK. I couldn't do it. I'll be like Naomi Campbell or somebody and stay with a negative headline about me. Sad, but I'm not really good with faking. Or I would be like Jasmine Sullivan and stick to my art and skip the interviews, red carpets, etc.

But for the superstars, its got to be hard for them to cope, which is why a lot of them turn to drugs. They use them to stabilize their moods and to be able to keep the smiles on their faces through the bs and foolery. They may start out with their families and friends and a strong relationship with God, but that pressure has to be powerful. And after getting tired of those friends and family members begging for money and not wanting to help themselves anymore because "you got it", its easy to lean towards the 'yes men' and get caught up in that world. Eventually things can get out of control and boom....we've lost another Whitney or Michael, or Richard Pryor, or one of the many other countless stars we've lost to that lifestyle.

This was a super random blog, but I just thought I'd share my point of view on the topic. What do you think? Put yourselves in their shoes and imagine faking it in your life, that you live right now, and increase that pressure 50x's and tell me if you could handle it.

L.OV.Ehhhhh

I know, I know. Another blog post about the most needed, hated, adored, freighting thing of all time.....love. But let's face it, with all the different opinions, experiences, and fairy tales that we've all experienced its kinda nice to gain a different perspective about it. Whether its from a biblical standpoint or comes from observing a functioning relationship, there are so many opinions and viewpoints about it, that its kinda hard not to get wrapped into the phenom.

With Valentines Day quickly approaching, I thought I'd share my two cents on the topic. You ready? Well here it go! lol

So, I'm single. And have been for a LONG time. I would love to be in a relationship with someone who compliments me and makes me want to be a better person, who knows God and lives to be that 1 Peter 3 type of husband, and I his Prov 31 wife, so that we can live that 1 Cor 7 life! But am I in a rush for it? No! It so easy to be discouraged. Seeing images of people who are in love and seemingly happy, and not being able to have that same joy. But its important to realize that not everyone who is in a relationship is happy or has companionship. Some are just as lonely as some single folk! And please understand that just because someone is single, does not mean that they are lonely. It is very possible to be alone, but not be lonely.

So whats the solution? Well, I'm no expert and I get discouraged and lonely just like the next person, but from my personal experience, I can tell you this. You are alone for a reason. There is something that the Lord wants you to work on about yourself before he sends you "the one". Learn to be content with yourself. If you cant stand to be around you, he/she wont either! I know thats an old cliche, but it's oh so true. Be able to answer the question "what do you look for in a man/woman?" I'm 28 and still struggle with an answer to this question. Until I can confidently answer this question and not just say what sounds good, then I have no choice but to remain single. How can you want something, but not know what it is you're asking for? When you get your answer, pray and ask God to not only send him/her to you, but to prepare you for their arrival.

Get a life. Dont just sit around and complain about being alone and how you want to be with someone (Honestly, I struggle with this myself and I have to catch myself). Get involved in something! Church activities, civic organizations, volunteer work, learn a new recipe, walk a dog, do something! Nobody, and I mean nobody (thats worth being with, anyway) wants somebody whose whole life revolves around their mate. There's nothing sexy about that. Ewww. You will be surprised the people you meet or the things that you find out about yourself when you start to do new things. I, for example, volunteer with the YWCA, watching the battered women's children while they attend group sessions. Those kids bring so much joy to my life. I get to teach and show them things that they wouldnt normally get to see or hear. See, I'm a firm believer that we all go through certain experiences just for the sole purpose of teaching someone else the lesson. Never keep your gifts, knowledge, and lessons all to yourself. Help someone else grow!

Ok, well I would keep going, but I'm trying to keep my posts readable. Dont want to lose anyone (if anyone even reads them) in gibberish. lol

HBCU Homecomings!

It's that time of the year again! It's time for my alma mater, THE University of Arkansas at Pine Bluff''s (UAPB)  homecoming! What does this mean you ask? Well, it means turkey legs, the best half time show on earth, old friends, new faces, and lots of parties and vast alcohol consumption. lol But lets not lose focus here, with the amount of money donated to different campus activities and departments, the job opportunities that alumni bring back to the students, and the impact that we have on the community, homecoming is about so much more. Its a value adding opportunity for the alumni to help enrich the university.

Many of you may not be aware of the significance of the HBCU homecoming, but let me try to explain.

HBCUs, or Historically Black Colleges and Universities, have a rich tradition and history not only in the Black community, but in socieity and neighboring communities as well. So much pride is shown in representing your school and the rivalries amongst other HBCUs are like no other. Yet, when dealing with opposition from those "other" schools, we come together and show HBCU love.

I feel as if my HBCU experience better prepared me for the real world. I learned to stay on top of my business, especially dealing with financial aid and record keeping, I learned how to deal with diversity on my team (not all HBCU students are black ya know), and I learned how to network! I had so many opportunities presented to me due to the fact that a lot of companies start their recruiting at HBCUs and we have the first hand at amazing opportunities. I gained valuable friendships that will last a lifetime. I met people that I never really got to know, and when I moved away we ended up in the same city and became good friends. I met people that no matter where I travel, I always have friends there from school. Because we are EVERYWHERE! And I met amazing professors and instructors that I still call and update about my professional progress, or I can call when I need anything.

So when October or November rolls around every year, and I log on to Favebook and Twitter, I am reminded that the Holiday of homecoming is quickly approaching and I better dot my i's and cross my t's and get ready! There is nothing like it. HAPPY HOMECOMING!!!!!

Don't Buy The Cow When the WHAT???

We've all heard the expression "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" but what does this really mean? What is too much? When is enough, enough?

We all know that there are some things that a man or woman must do to attract and keep their mate, but what is the cut off? Do you just give them "taste" of all the things that you can do and make a promise to continue those things in full force after marriage? Since we all (should) know that simply verbalizing your greatness is never sufficient... I get so confused by all of this!

I think that it's best to have an understanding of who the person is, what they have to offer, and how much of that they are willing to give to you. I can be the best darn cook in the state, but if I'm unwilling to cook for you, it wont benefit you much to be with me if you're looking for someone to cook your meals. She can have the best paying job of all time, but if she's not willing to share her money with you, it would be pretty useless to date her for it. Having an understanding of one another alleviates the need to play games or always having to guess or assume your relationship status.

Having open and honest discussions about you and your mate's expectations, is a good way to prevent confusion and frustration down the road. It may be hard to tell someone exactly what you really want, due to the fact that you don't want to run them away, but once that fear is eliminated, you'd be suprised about the other person's response. It may turn out better than you think. Ladies, how often have you heard or experienced meeting a guy and asking him "What are you looking for?" and he says "I'm not looking for anything" and you say "Oh ok, neither am I. I'm just going with the flow". Knowing good and well that you've planned every detail of you wedding already and you're just waiting to find someone to fulfil it with. lol Next time try being honest, it may run a few guys away, but isn't that a good thing if he isnt trying to give you what you want? But then again, it just may actually get you what you want! Stop giving away all your milk! It's way too valuable for charity!

What are your thoughts on this?

The Moment

Sooo, I'm like super emotional right now and I thought I would share my testimony with you all. SOME of you may know that I believe that in every lesson learned, we must share our knowledge and experience with others to help them grow and learn with us. God puts us in certain situations not only for ourselves, but for the people in our lives. I play a lot, and I love to laugh, but often times, especially earlier in the year, I was laughing to keep from crying.

Throughout my life, I have experienced some pretty difficult times. From my mom being sick when I was in high school, and me having to take care of her and the house, to a difficult situation I had while in college, and recently being without a job and not knowing how my bills would get paid. But through each situation, I learned to have unyielding faith and believe in His promise to never leave or forsake me. Sure, I've worried, stressed, and cried myself to sleep on many nights, but I had to remember how he brought me out of my previous situations and how BIG my blessings were in the end. BIG blessings! BIG blessings! BIG blessings! Do you hear me?!

During the situation with my mom, it was hard for me to put my money into paying house bills while all my friends who had jobs were able to do what they wanted with theirs. In college, it was hard to watch someone I loved, love someone else, and of course it was hard having to ask people for help when I'm so used to being independent and self sufficient. On top of that, no one believed that I really needed help! lol But in each of those, what I gained, was much more than I would've imagined. I learned how to be woman and take care of a house and my business, I learned the power of forgiveness, and I learned humility. Never doubt God or his works. What He is doing is more than our simple minds can decipher.

I use my commute to work as my "perspective" time. I think about whatever is going on with me and try to put a plan together (I guess that's why I love road trips? lol) So this morning I was just thinking about how far I've come, the things I've learned, and the people that have come into my life, and I am just so grateful.I never would've thought that the way things were going for me 6 months ago, that I would be as happy as I am right now. But I guess it wasn't for me to know. God just wants us to trust him, and when you do He will do incredible things in your life.

I guess the moral of the story is, whatever your situation, no matter how hard or difficult, think about the last time you felt this way. Didn't he bring you through? It is human nature to worry and stress, but you have to be able to keep your faith and open yourself to learn the lesson he is trying to teach you and prepare for that BIG blessing waiting for you in the end. Find someone who you can trust and share your feelings, write them out, you can call me if you want. lol Just have a release of some sort and hold on. I hope this helps someone who may need this.

OK, I'm done *drops mic*