"You're so strong!" "You'll be ok, you always bounce back." "A man is going to have to be on his ish to be with you!" "I'm not strong like you". These are all statements that I loathe, but are said to me quite often, and all are a misconception of strength.
I've been "adulting" since I was 15 years old. When my mother got sick and could no longer work, I started paying bills with my first job. I learned very quickly that if I wanted anything in life, that I would have to work hard to get it. It was also around this age when I realized that working for someone else was never going to be something that I could do for the rest of my life, but that may be a topic for another day....
I've had male friends as well as guys I've dated tell me that it's going to take a special kind of man to be with me. Why? Because I'm self sufficient? Taking care of myself shouldn't make me unattainable. It definitely doesn't mean that I don't need or can't submit to a man.
I'm starting to look at being called strong the way I look at being called an independent woman. I hate that statement because......what choice do I have? If I don't look out for me, if I don't make sure things get done in my life, who will?
Truth is, I know I'm a strong person, I don't have much of a choice. But I often times feel weak and too emotional. The guard that I've built up gives a sense of control and makes me feel safe from being let down. This is not something that I necessarily like to admit, but its the truth. This is a problem when it comes to romantic relationships. I have never seen first hand how a functioning relationship looks, so I'm not sure what I'm "supposed" to do to make a man FEEL wanted or needed. I feel that me simply wanting and needing you should be enough, but apparently its not. I've had guys that I was madly in love with tell me that "I just didn't think you cared". What?! So here goes my guard telling me, oh he's just using that as a cop out. He didn't want to commit so he's making you the problem. But what if this strength that I've grown to have prevents me from showing true emotion? Some (maybe even most?) of the time I was probably right, but again, another topic for another day.....
I'm an alpha female by nature. Couple that with the wall life has forced me to build and you get a woman that's 33, ambitious, compassionate, direct......and single. lol Nature and circumstance have made me into the person I am and I'd be remiss if I didn't say that I love my life. I have the freedom and will to do absolutely anything that I even think I want to do. I'm not afraid to step out on faith, try new things, visit a different country alone, dine out alone, or anything else people have said they admired about me. It's just who I am. I grew up with just my mother (my brother is 12 years my senior and was off to college when I started Kindergarten), and she worked nights so I have spent the majority of my life enjoying my own company. Fortunately it made me into a person who's own company I truly enjoy. Matter of fact I have to limit prolonged interactions with people and I avoid large crowds whenever possible. Because of this, loneliness is not something I struggle with too much. It does occur, especially after the passing of my mother. Something about her leaving this earth left a void that I can only liken to loneliness. Believe it or not, I never really seriously considered marriage until she was gone. I have always entertained the idea of it, but I never seriously thought about sharing my life and space with another person (forever?!) until then. (I also just broke out in a lil sweat as I typed that. lol)
As you can see I'm kind of all over the place about life as I know it. On one hand, I'm completely satisfied, on another I want (maybe even need) companionship, and thirdly it doesn't matter because either way, I'm just gonna keep it moving. See strength is a tricky thing. Its a struggle between what society says I should want, what's right in front of me, and accepting life as it comes, which is the most beautiful of them all because its gonna happen regardless of the other two. You just have to let go of what you THINK you want, what other people think your life should look like, and know that everything will work out as it was meant. THAT is strength. And accepting that is how you build strength.
