Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Successfully Unsuccessful

While trolling around on Facebook, I saw a post about why successful men are, or choose to remain single. After watching the video and reading the comments from the men, I began to think, what defines being successful? And does success in life necessarily qualify you to be successful in relationships?

In my opinion, people put too much praise on "success". What qualifies as being successful? As a woman, I can (and I actually do) have the degrees, good job, home, etc but what does that mean if I cant make a man WANT to stay around? In reality, the only way to define my success as far as relationships go, is my track record of maintaining a good one. The same goes for a man. Who cares about your education, money and the fact that you don't have kids if your personality is garbage and no woman can stand to be around you?

I read some comments from men that pretty much said that because they are successful in life (degree, no kids, preferable debt to income ratio, etc) that they are in an elite group of superhuman individuals that are too good for love and that women should go above and beyond the realm of what is humanly possible to get his attention. Its absurd. Wait.....let me back up. I honestly don't feel that MOST men feel this way, but that group does exist and this needs to be addressed dammit! If you watch the video that I've posted, you may get a better idea of what I'm trying to express here. One guy even goes as far as to say that he's on a higher shelf because he doesn't have the flaws that another guy may have. Huh? The fact that you said that made the next guy just a little more attractive. I personally cant stand a cocky, arrogant man. I understand its a struggle to be humble at times when you KNOW that you're shitting on the competition, but everyone must realize that arrogance is not very attractive. Especially when there's no personality to match. Ugh. Disgusting.

I used to think that because I brought so much to the table that I didn't have to work as hard to be considered a "good" woman. I figured that once he saw what all I had going, that I was in there. Wrong! I had to realize that no one would want to marry me because of my degrees, or job, or deed, but that I would have to show them a WOMAN! You can look real good on paper, and never get someone to like you because You have nothing in the form of attractive human traits to offer. Why do you think so many "accomplished" women get snatched up by street dudes or bad boys, or whatever you like to call them? He may not have the Fortune 500 job, he may have a kid or two, but he treats her like a woman, makes her feel good, and probably isn't boring her to death.

Now don't get me wrong, once you get to a point in life where you've reached a majority of your goals and have attained the things that you want in life on your own, and you begin to search for a mate, its natural to opt for someone who has reached a similar level of......."success". But its important to keep an open mind and to be realistic when dealing with people. Its a struggle, trust me I know, but its hard to match up with someone who's tit for tat with you. And if you do meet someone 'on your level', doesn't mean that it will automatically work. Point is, there is no formula for a happy life. You just gotta go through the trial and error and try not to let the bad experiences make you bitter or hold a grudge. You will be hurt, your feelings will be out there, but there is no reward without risk!

Here is the link to the video that sparked my thoughts :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ9u7qdK4Xo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The video has been removed. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

You Are What You Deal With

This post is half dating, half self perception, please discern the half that applies to you.

We've all had the experience of dealing with someone who doesn't quite deserve us. Whether its in an intimate relationship, a friendship, co-workers/bosses, etc. But where do we draw the line? Is the pain of letting go, really as bad as the pain of dealing with the situation? Does it take that strong of a person to let it go, or does it take being completely fed up to leave?

From my personal experience, I usually let go once I'm completely fed up. Sometimes it takes a few months, sometimes it takes years. Of course, your attachment to that person/thing often determines your time frame of when you CAN let go. Sometimes when that emotional attachment is so strong, you can't fight it. I suggest you just keep at it until you absolutely get tired of the mess. BUT remember, that the more you contribute, the more you're gonna be tempted to stick around and wait for your effort to be reciprocated. How many times have you thought, " I've put in so much work and I just want some appreciation." So we stick around and wait.....and wait, and wait, and wait. Next thing you know, years and years have passed and you're still waiting.

One thing that I know for SURE is that when you're truly wanted, you don't wait. You are a priority and anything else that you're told is just a lie to keep their benefits package. I have a few close male friends that I know will keep it real with me, whether it hurts my feelings or not. I also know that they know me very well as well as my worth, so I trust their opinions. What I've learned from them is that a man can fake it til he makes it. Men are not as emotionally attached to us as we are to them, (I'm talking during the dating phase, or usually the phase where the relationship status hasn't been fully established. Don't know if you're in this stage? If someone asks you if you're single and you have to think about it, this is you. lol (#NoBeef) so the little things that we do that we think shows our affection and devotion, most men don't notice. Now there are exceptions. One being that he is REALLY into you and notices and appreciates everything. When you have that, you know it. But let's be honest, it usually takes a while to get a man to that point, and with the woman to man ratio being so high, competition is fierce, and some of these women are ruthless and unstoppable when it comes to seducing and reeling in a man! Secondly, it depends on the maturity level of the guy. I mean really, if he isn't established in his life, he probably isn't ready to settle down. Sometimes we feel as if we can coerce a man to be with us if we show our "ride or die" qualities or try to help him through his l il storm. Nope! All that does is give him someone he can depend on, nothing more, nothing less. It wont make him think "Damn this girl is really down for me, I'm going to marry her when I get myself together". Although that's what a lot of us think, it doesn't always work that way. When a man wants you, you wont have to guess or do anything to "make" him see that you're that one and only, he'll show you!

Now all of this is just from my personal experiences, conversations, and observations. I don't claim to know it all, but I know what I've been through and I know that the outcomes seldom change. There are some good men out there that want to settle down and be providers who aren't quite able to for whatever reason, be it, career instability, financial reasons, etc, that could use that extra push to get it together. But, what I want people, especially women, because that's who does this more often, to understand is that, helping a man doesn't entitle you to anything except a "THANK YOU". Not a ring, not a commitment, not a house, none of that. If you (men and women) want to be there for someone, do it from the kindness of your heart, not because you expect something in return. Whether that something is a relationship, a YOM (you owe me), or whatever, make sure you're doing it for the right reason. If you KNOW that you're only helping someone because you want them to owe you, do them and yourself a favor and DON'T. I'd rather struggle than have someone help me who is only doing it so that I will own them later. Another thing, if you have those kind of tit for tat relationships in your life, you may need to do some evaluating. Personally, I don't want friends like that. Do you? Then why in the hell would someone marry your ulterior motive having ass? LOL You are what you deal with!

What are your opinions on this?